I am sure some of you must have experience with this...and maybe I shouldn't be surprised that my husband (in process of divorcing) is being so cruel. But I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe how he can actually do the things he is doing in an attempt to make me miserable...

He decided he is fighting me for custody of our 3 kids (and he wants nothing to do with his step son, who he has raised with me for 10 years). He is doing things to try to show that I am "unfit" and he is taking notes on everything. For example, I can hear my kids telling him what they had for dinner, what time they went to bed, etc...and he is looking for things "wrong."

The other night, when he was talking to our 7 year old daughter, she started crying on the phone with him. He started yelling at me, "WHAT THE HELL GOES ON IN THAT HOUSE???" insinuating that I did something to her.

He emails me at work telling me that I clearly do not have the ability to provide a "nurturing environment," because he says my attitude toward him is so bad. (I have every email saved, and that is the only way he and i communicate, and i have sent them to my attorney. I am NOTHING but respectful in these emails, and I ONLY talk about upcoming doctor appts, etc.)

He has a restraining order (a no-harrass) and also a criminal one because he was arrested for violating the order on the day it was served.

He went through my home phone when he was here recently to get the kids ready for school (I had left for work) and he took note of all the incoming calls on my caller id - and he emailed me that it was inappropriate for a man to call his house where his kids live.

I never know one day to the next how he is going to act. We have court today (thank God) but it's snowing a lot so I am worried it will be closed.

I just can't believe that he is turning me into some horrible mother and person. He even posted on his facebook right before Christmas that he "wonders if he will be allowed to see his kids for Christmas," as if i would EVER keep them from him! He KNOWS this, and I had already told him they could go to his house on CHristmas afternoon and spend the night - AND asked him to come here on Christmas morning.

I could go on and on...why can't I let it go? It hurts me so badly to know he could do this, to act like I am someone I am not...it makes me so depressed. I am going to try to get the order of protection amended to more of a no-contact (my lawyer wants to do this). But in the meantime, I feel like I walk on eggshells because he is analyzing the kids every move and every word to see if I am being a "bad mom."

This is a man who sat on the couch and wasn't to be bothered 85% of the time for the last ten years.

Thanks for listening....staceylee

hey staceylee,

its all part of it. What is happening to you has happened to a lot of us. My ex swings between the Devil himself and Angel Gabriel.

Up until this week I was dealing with the Devil, now its Gabriel. I think they get frustrated and will use ANYTHING including our children to get at us and hurt us. They know that we can take most things but not our children, so in a way its always going to be their ace, that is until the children are able to work things out themselves....

Hang in there, you are not alone and trying to make us feel we are 'worthless, mental, stupid, inadequate' is simply a tactic they use to try and make themselves feel better. They know the truth and they know it will drive us to distraction, its a fair game to them I guess. Never mind the emotional cost to their children, when men turn, they dont care generally about consequences as much as getting back at us.

Do it all through your lawyer and yes keep all copies of correspondence. He can dig his own grave.

Remember, its a typical pattern of behaviour, I think they need to try and salvage some control that they have lost, making you out to be bad is meant to make you feel bad, thats the whole point. You know the truth, you know he knows the truth. Hes throwing his toys out of the pram and throwing a strop. Big hurtful child.

Stay strong and stay focused on those who count, you and your children.

I so, so, so, soooooo! know what you are going through here. Just know that it will ease up slowly when the divorce comes to an end, maybe not at first, but lies can be only stretched so far and everyone including him and yourself just become tired of all his games. What Abbey says hits the nail right on the head TRUTH, TRUTH, TRUTH...just hang on to the truth no matter how many things he tries to turn and twist into something dirty or crazy. Hold your head high and maintain your grace when you will need it the most. Keep doing what you are doing and know that you can look in the mirror and see that you did the right thing. You may slip once in a while and then regret something, but for the most part , stand up, brush yourself off and hold tight to TRUTH and know in your heart that no matter what he says or does, your eyes are on Truth and not him. You may not realize this, but people see, people know, and although people do not want to always get involved with what is going on and may agree with him in a conversation to be friendly...THEY SEE and KNOW and for those who are blind to it all...just let them go and move on...You deserve so much better than him, he has proved this to you and everyone else. Just like Abbey said, "Stay strong." Truth has a way of coming out in time...not always when you want it to...but it does. You are in my prayers and thoughts. I have been there and have come out on the other side.

Susan

Stacrylee
I can totally relay to your story. More than you think. I have an 18yr and a 7yr. Both from The Flea(EX) He is a bank for my 18yr and a supposedly father for my 7yr old. He has done so much damage to my daughter, that she has decided not to be in his life any longer, now she speaks for her 7yr old brother and tells The Flea what her brother wants. He can't or won't accept that our son only wants a call from him at 9pm to say good nite. The Flea just want to control what he has controlled for so many years. Don't let him. Just ignore him. If the kids don't want to talk to him respect their decision. I make excuses for my son. Then before bed time he calls The Flea to say good night and hung's up the phone in less than a minute.

I believe men just want to control what they can't have. They want what they can't have, and when they see you move on without them, it scares them and they tend to lash out. I have started to stop all communication to The Flea. If it is not about our son I just don't talk to him. If he starts yelling at me I just hung the phone, don't answer, I have closed the door on his face and left him yelling there. It just ****** him up, but he will get over it.

I was told something yesterday, and I saw it in my son's eyes last night. Your kids will always prefer their mother over, their father. No matter how much fun, how much dad spends on them, no one can make things better like MOMMY CAN. Believe that. Hug your kids and love them, Be there for them and soon they will see who DADDY REALLY IS.. HANG IN THERE..

Maybe this is silly, but hey, it works for me. I have been married 20 years next month. All this time, he has mentally tortured me. Told me what I am, what I think, what I do, and it's not true. When I asked about him (suspecting drug use) I was told I was crazy, paranoid, making things up, etc... I seriously lost my mind. I started doubting myself, my memories, my actions. Until the truths started coming out. And slowly, slowly, I regained my sense of self and reality. Unfortunately, my son (16) is starting to do this. He uses the same words his dad did, twists things around, outright lies saying I did/said something when I KNOW I didn't or saying he did/said something I KNOW he didn't. I get a panicked feeling when he starts, I feel like I am reliving that, I get defensive and yell. But I have stopped, I tell him I am not playing this game anymore, it won't work on me. He feels out of control so tries to control me. 99% of the time he is an awesome son and I am very proud of him. But when he gets frustrated, he acts like this. I guess because it is infrequent I get worked up because it is unexpected. But it's easier with a kid! I tell him he had better stop right now or it's off to bed!! Anyway, my stbx doesn't speak to me anymore. Sometimes he will, maybe 2 or 3 times in last 4 months. Otherwise he acts like I don't exist and if I try to talk to him he covers his head with a blanket (like a baby, thinks if he can't see me, I can't see him. wow.) So when I get these frustrating feelings, I take some slow deep breaths, I remind myself of who I AM, not what I am accused of. I envision a protective white light all around me so these words and actions cannot batter my soul. I remind myself God will handle it. There is nothing I can do or say to affect their behavior. So I refuse to let theirs affect mine. Sounds like you are doing the right thing by documenting and staying calm. It's tough with kids with the age gap of yours, one old enough to make her own choices, the other still dependent for many more years (my son will be 17 soon, but my daughter only 10, so I know I'll have to deal with him in one form or another for another 8 years). But we'll get through it. Surely they'll tire eventually??? When all is said and done, the divorce is complete, won't they eventually look for another victim? I sure hope so. Let us know how things went in court!