When I separated from my ex 4 yrs ago, we agreed to remain friends, still maintain a "family" relationship (including vacations, which I know sounds crazy but we did it very successfully for 18 months after our separation) and continue to remain friends with our mutual friends. We have a unique situation in that our entire family takes karate at a friend's house. We do this in a small, intimate group every Friday night. Additionally, one of those couples lost their oldest son to leukemia 2 1/2 yrs ago. They started a foundation and both my ex and I serve on the board.

This all worked very well, even when I started dating my now husband. He was very supportive of a positive, friendly relationship with my ex and welcomed him at any point.

Enter the evil one. My ex starts dating a 49 yr old woman who can not stand that he is friends with me or that we do things together. Now, mind you, she was invited to all events. Long story but she did everything she could to undermine our friendship and, shame on him, she succeeded. She calls all the shots, he has no spine, and when i try to talk to him respectfully about things that I'm concerned about (ie her 19 yr old twins having separate rooms on vacation with their boyfriends and drinking/getting drunk in front of my 12 and 14 yr old while on vacation) he gets defensive and nasty. he will sometimes compromise with me but then goes back on his word and essentially says "screw you, I don't care how this makes you feel."

So, my friends have seen this happen, women who call me their sister, and essentially shrug their shoulders and say "well, he's our friend." I feel like they see me being emotionally sh*t upon and should support me. What's everyone's experiences with friends and who/how they support you through your divorce?

Over & over I hear of those that are divorced/divorcing & if there is a remaining, "friend," connection there it most of the time becomes a problem. Doesn't mean there aren't couples that come to agreement & are civil post divorce, BUT divorce is Divide Force, it is division.

From what I've seen if the ex is keeping his ex wife (since we are women here I will say it this way) on the side, as, "a friend," often, they will move on then continue to come back / rebound.

I am guessing that you may have to grieve the loss, which is not easy but it means working through the steps of loss & it is a disconnect.
I've seen professionals on tv talk about this at times with the same conclusion.
Nothing is black & white & I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule.
I do pretty well & I most certainly do not want my ex back, I could care less who he's with now (I'm sure there are many). But I would Not want to be purposely crossing paths in his life/interacting unless it was in re children or legal matters.
I know it's not what you want to hear but it's probably inevitable that there will be complications if you haven't grieved the loss & let go. If he's wanting to try again, the marriage that's one thing, but after the marriage is over, it's many times easier to detach.
Take care.

I am not sure what to tell you here. My soon to be ex and I had wanted to try and be friends, we were together for ten years and split for mutual reasons. It has only been two months and I am already over it. He continually brings up the woman he essentially had an affair with and then demands why I talked to our friends about things he chose to ignore when i brought them up with him. I do not see this friendship going very far in the future. I think you need to step back and go one with your life. Deal with him only when you have to and do not play into the game that the woman he is with now is playing. Even if you are really irritated and angry it only fuels the fire. Hope this helps.

JLM,

Please see my response to the first post. My issue is not with my ex - I realize he can not be trusted given the amount of times he's gone back on his word. My issue is with my friends.

Look whether you like it or not friends with choose sides. I have notices people that use to talk to both us now only talk to him. I thank God though every day they decided to go with him, because I think they are just problems in disguise. Like I said before if you really don't want this people in the middle just let them go. I did and I don't regret it.

My experience...Friends that were his to begin will remain loyal to him. Friends that were yours to begin will remain loyal to you. Any friends you met and jointly bonded with jointly will do everything they can not to get in the middle. This indifference, if you will, is their attempt to stay out of it. Those that were just my friend and that my husband was simply acquainted with have been of the most support. In fact, I have a whole army behind me with these friends. I have found I have many more TRUE friends that I ever realized. These aren't necessarily the people I "hang out" with, but boy they are there when you need them. TRUE friends. You need your own friends. If you have friends that are in a situation where they cannot -or will not- choose loyalty, you may need to let that friendship go. Good luck.

I have found this to be true Becky, my friends before 'us' are still my friends. Often my lifeline.

Oh wait, he doesnt have any friends....we dont have a friend loyalty problem.

I can say though that I have gained a mum in law and a sister in law who love me dearly and whom I love in return. In that score I didnt do too bad.