I was married for 16 years and was with my husband for 24 years total. We have 2 children. He filed for divorce and was final last week. We have been sperated since May of 2010. I still love him and only signed the papers for him. He told me that he had feelings for me again a couple weeks ago but he told me not to get my hopes up. Why would he tell me I will get my hopes up which I did and when he went to spend time with some other person instead of seeing me I got jealous. He got mad at me and threw in my face that we are divorced and I am to late for any reconcilation. Should I give up?

Hi there,

I am very young (20) and I got married at 17 and I am divorcing now... You don't have to take my advice, but I think you should give him time. You and him both need some time. He wanted the divorce for a reason. One thing that I have realized since the ex and I have been separated is that I needed to find myself. You spent 24 years with him, and that means your personality has adopted some of his traits. I think you should not persue him, but be nice and friendly with him. It's okay to confuse him the same way he is confusing you. When he sees the new you, it might spark something again. I don't think you should give up, but I do think that you should take some time out to think. Maybe you are not missing him, but the way that life was? These are things you need to reflect on. If you still feel like you love him, then just give him time and space. People do have successful relationships and remarry after they've divorced, but I've only heard of a few...

Grrr, you post makes me mad (not at you, at him For him to do that is just plain cruel. Not to mentions incredibly egotistical. He os playing on your love, he is probably not feeling "adored" so he gets his fix by messing with your head. You shouldn't get your hopes up??? He shouldn't get HIS up that you would even consider taking him back! Don't give up, give HIM up. Keep strong, keep moving forward. He can play on your emotions forever and keep you emotionally stuck forever. Get mad at how he treats you. How dare he expect you to take him back after leaving you? Follow your dreams, make a new, better life. Love and respect yourself, and forget about those who don't love and respect you. My 'husband' has been taunting me this way for 20 years, going off to bars, getting high, but KNOWING I will always take him back. SO right now he is back to playing the "good guy", fixing stuff around the house, coming home every evening. Well, i am not falling for it. I am moving on. He can be sad he lost the best thing in his life and I can be glad for creating my own best life. You can do it, know your worth, and you'll see that his behavior is NOT COOL

I agree with StrongSpirit. He is playing games with you. We have had many discussions on this forum on cutting the ties. It seems to me that's exactly what you need to do. Yes, I know there are situations where people divorce and remarry. The couple I am familiar with ended by having a life of more of the same. Is that what you want? There was a reason for the divorce. What has changed? How could it be better now? Thining of you. It can be very painful.

Yes, my ex went back and forth until I felt the kids and I had had enough of his garbage. It was so much better just letting him go and knowing it was over. You need this freedom from your emotions as well. They just like to play the fence until they decide which side they want to stay on...take your power back and tell him to stay on the other side. I did and I do not regret saying it at all.

Susan.

PS I don't care if he has mud or golden blades of grass on his side of the fence now. It has nothing to do with me anymore and this is such a freeing feeling to have.

Susan, so true. But when there's golden blades of grass there it sure improves the child support check.

The post replies make me smile. I agree that you should not have to put up with this, it's abusive, & very egotistical.
If you are not ready to let go & we each reach that point in our own time, there are marriage restoration groups & some online, which maybe you can find some help/advice on what to do.
I do think though if a man is not grown up & from what you write he is NOT, then typically they have to fall down enough times to, "get it," that you don't treat people like this, or they also a lot of times for whatever reason, just don't mature.
Also, I agree, you do NOT need this, it will keep you on edge & without peace in your life. If he's already cut ties (divorce) it sounds like with his attitude you may be better off to let go.
My ex is very egostical & it's about lust/attention, not love. He loved me, I loved him, but he is forever chasing after ?????
he doesn't even know!
Take care of you.

This post is basically what I'm going through. My husband decided that he wants a divorce last month and it totally shocked and devastated me. I found out that he had been talking to other girls, ALOT. He said that these girls made him feel wanted and that because I didn't "lust" after him and jump his bones every possible minute of the day, that our marriage is over. I feel like he didn't even give us a chance because he was hardly ever home and with our work schedules and kids we didn't have time together. He tells me now that we have to get divorced first then maybe we can work on restarting a relationship. He said, "Think of it like this, if you build a house and the foundation is wrong you tear the house down and rebuild it". I told him that was bull and that I felt he was pushing to get divorced quickly so he can be with one of his girls waiting in the wings. I have to admit that because I'm still in love with him, I can't say that I wouldn't want to try to rebuild something with him but right now I just don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He has not shown any care or emotion towards me so I doubt that he has any thought of being with me again. But he is all about trying to get a booty call out of me. I think he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants to be "free" and single but still be able to call me up and expect me to just have sex with him when he wants. This whole thing has just torn my world apart and I'm just trying to get through each day and do what I need to do for my kids. Just stay strong and do what you need to do for yourself and don't let him con you into anything.