What have people done to manage the anger? As some of you know, mine is addict, ignores me and kids, lives in my basement and refuses to leave (married 20 years next month). I do OK, not great, when he is not around. I am amazed when I wake up and my first thought is not how I've been screwed over by him. Feel shocked at work when I suddenly realize he has not been on my mind for hours. So this is what I want. To not think of him and what he has done. To just focus on what I need to do. But I see him, and wow, I lose all control. I tell him I can't wait until he leaves and never comes back (and I mean it). I say lots of unpleasant stuff. I look up anger management to get some ideas. There are Buddhist temples for westerners near me. Has anyone tried this? This type of meditation? I think it might be helpful but the idea of sitting around chanting makes me uncomfortable (I know this is not ALL it is, but it is a part). I don't know if I could get past my awareness to do this, I might be too self-conscious! But I think learning patience, no attachments, would be helpful. I have no religious affiliation. Well, I guess I would be considered Christian in terms of holidays celebrated and my personal beliefs, but I wasn't raised with religion. I think there is truth in all faiths, that really, they are all the same, just told in different stories relevant to different cultures. I really really NEED to let go of this anger to survive. I have always been the kind of person who expects nothing, I believe it is what I give, not what I get, that matters. But with this...he promised to love me, he promised to be my husband, and he lied. I can't stand being lied to. If he said he doesn't love me anymore, OK, I can accept that. If he said he married me for the wrong reasons, he was young,...fine. But that he says he loves me and values family above everything but he ignores us and leaves us behind while he goes off and has fun...well, that gets me going. When I don't see him I feel good feelings towards him (SOMEtimes) even miss him, wish he would come to his senses, but the second I SEE him or HEAR his voice, wow, rage takes over and I could rip his head off. He is so lucky I am not a violent person or he'd be in shreds somewhere! I know intellectually that the anger hurts me, that I should use this (and to some extent I do) to spur me into positive action, but I still don't seem to be able to control it. I would appreciate anyone sharing some positive experiences with dealing with anger!

Hi Strongspirit,

I absolutely get where you are coming from, I seem to live between wanting to kill my ex or being sad that I miss him. Im all over trying to find ways of dealing with these feelings that ultimately will destroy only me. I left the marriage to find happiness and have been unhappy ever since, go figure.

In a thread I posted the link for a song, this is buddha inspired and a kind of meditation.
I have been reading and looking up a lot of meditation stuff on the internet to try and still my jumpy mind and restless soul.

I take it for what it is and if it soothes me great, often times Im too far gone emotionally that nothing can help until it passes.

Im currently trying to take control of my thoughts rathere than let them go aimlessly, our thoughts direct our emotions not the other way round. Its not easy, sometimes I tell myself 'stop, what are you thiinking about?' that makes me more aware and allows me to step out of my inner self (thats usually ranting and raving with ex) and see what Im doing, it gives me a chance to stop it. This morning I made myself describe what I was seeing in the garden, 'I see three trees, the leaves have gone, the magpies are making their nests' sounds crazy but talking out loud and thinking about what I could see stopped the mounting thoughts in my head, distracted me enough to take some control.
The problem is we train our thoughts to think the same patterns, Im now having trouble breaking those patterns because they are so well worn, my thoughts know the drill, so I have to become very aware and side track them. Not sure Im making sense.

Anyway, check out some meditation, I have also got a neuro programmer that uses frequencies to alter our mood, its all interesting stuff. The hardest part is putting it into practice I think. Thats where discipline kicks in and Im a little too all over the place to really concentrate on one thing right now.

You say you expect very little, its time you expect a lot of good things. We get what we expect, you have to believe and EXPECT that wonderful things are going to happen to you. The way we think does reflect our lives but yes changing our old worn thinking patterns is a massive challenge.

If you can, read 'the secret' and/or 'infinite possibilities'.

Expect good things Strongspirit if you want good things. Expect very little if you want very little.

You are worth so much more. Hug.

I am not experiencing anger just sadness and confusion as to why this all happened. Anyway, I think the meditation class would be good. I actually found a class @ our local community college and it starts next month. I am thinking about taking it. I think it will help me. I have also starting taking a yoga class one night a week which I really enjoy. For that one hour I am focused on me,my breath and posture - he is not even a thought - which is great!! Definitely give it a try - what do you have to lose. If you don't like it you can stop but, who knows you may love it.

I wrote more here but somehow messed it up.
I am dealing with anger lately because of the financial mess he stuck me with.
Working with lawyer again on this & it makes me angry.
It's a stage of grief ............
The advantage to the anger is not wanting to ever go through this again!!!!!!!

What do I do?
I read the bible.
Exercise.
Cook.
Search online subjects I enjoy reading about.
Post here!
talk to family & friends..

Thanks everyone for your responses. Abbey, the technique you mentioned, about naming what you see, is one I was also taught for anxiety. Yes, it is for many things! I actually used it today. i was brushing snow off my car, stbx come in garage. He blows the snow off his vehicles. I had to take my car for service. I have no one to take me like he does so i can come back, I had to sit there 3 hours. I wanted to hollor at him thanks for nothing etc etc as I was having pain from brushing snow (I have issues with my hands). But I started naming I see snow on my car, i see trees that look nice etc and kept my BIG mouth shut and actually SMILED. Thank you for reminding me of that! But later I lost it. I stopped home after car and before going to work (kids off for snow) and he wanted me to move my car so he could clear driveway (he was not home when I got back, this was close to noon, how the he11 was I supposed to know he was coming to clear it???) So I got mad and said why can't he wait a few minutes until I go to work, he is not touching my car, he only takes it when he sneaks out at night and steals my keys so he can get high. I said I cared for 20 years, I wanted to know what he was doing for 20 years, now I don't care and I don't want to know I just want him to GO AWAY. Yup. How's that for holding my cool? Siiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhh....... Well, it's after 7:30pm and he's not here so HOPEFULLY he got the message and WON'T SHOW UP! I will look for the meditation classes if you found them helpful (ctwc), thanks for you input! JLVR, I agree exercise must help. I hear so much about it, keep MEANING to, but never do. sigh. What is your incentive? When during the day do you fit it in?? I try to get up early but I am so tired I won't. After work is busy with kids, then evening I am tired again! I feel so lazy, i really want to get going. like most things, I think taking that first step and STARTING is the hardest. I have never really exercised. I don't have weight issues, I guess that takes weight away as an incentive, but I do have circulation problems, a family history of heart disease, AND depression so i KNOW exercise will help tremendously, but i seem to somehow sabotage myself and put up huge blocks in front of me that keep me from doing what I know is right. Any advice?? Oh, as an aside, JVLR, I have also lost messages! Now, once I am done writing, I "copy" the message and if it gets lost I can just paste it again. Saves me a lot of frustration!

they sell the little steppers/bikes/ etc that are foldable, you can put these in front of you while you watch tv or on computer!
In fact I have cut back a bit/ been varrying my routine of types of exercise & since I cut back a bit on my aerobic (to 3 days a week) I have actually been more stressed.. I do need to stick with the variety right now but YES it helps!
it helps me breath more deeply & then mind shifts off the stuff that really does not matter.

Just do it girl! Once you take that first step with heading to the gym, it becomes almost addictive. Nice advice as I sit here eating an entire pan of brownies by myself :)

Chocolate is good for stress too.

LOL Maybe that's why I am divorced, I've heard people often crave sweets when they are single .. & I just love chocolate. really it's better for me than the ex. hee hee (God Works in mysterious ways..)

Brownies?! Oh, send some my way!! LOL!

They are gone. If I am going to eventually bare my naked body for another man, I really need to scrap that habit!

OK, with this one you might be categorizing me as a complete nut, if you haven't already. A few years ago I was taking a psych course for my master's program. A small portion of the class involved reading about Choice Theory. (If anyone is an expert here and I misspeak, please don't jump down my throat ) Anyway the jist is that you have a choice-you ALWAYS have a choice. I chewed on this one a long time. It wasn't my choice that Jerk didn't want to be with me. It wasn't my choice that Jerk was spending money faster than he could make it. It wasn't my choice Jerk was drinking, etc. But it WAS my choice how I chose to react to each of those situations. I could choose to be sad or I could choose to be happy. I could choose to be angry or I could choose to smile. I could choose to fight or I could choose to walk away, etc. This line of thinking has really helped me. I am choosing to be happy. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't always work, I'm not always happy and such, but it does give me control. I need to have control of my life, and this, at least in part, gives it to me. The more I practice this thinking, the better it works.

I really enjoyed your post. It actually made me think about the choices and decisions I have made. And yes sometimes it was to make him happy even though I was not happy. It also was not my choice to get divorced but, going forward I now realize I need to make choices about what is going to make me happy. It some how feels selfish but, I am really trying to focus on me! No one person can make me happy but myself. Again I really enjoyed your post and it has given me a lot to think about. Thanks!!