These emotions confuse me. stbx was gone since Friday. Figured he's off on a drug binge (again). I wondered if he was with another woman. I thought good if he is, he'll finally leave. I wondered if he was in jail. I thought good if he is, it'll be some time before he shows up again. I wondered if he was dead. I thought great. Thought of people to contact to help me sell his stuff, thought about what I'd do with the money, and how we'd keep ourselves going. Relaxed and had fun with the kids. Actually asked them what they'd do if I didn't come home like that and they both said right away they'd call the police. Seemed a joke, dad doesn't come home...oh well, he's off on a binge. He could have been dead in a ditch somewhere and no one would know (or care). How sad. I actually started missing him. Was planning on having a good cry when I went up to bed, missing him, or rather missing who I thought he was. How much I loved him, how I don't know how I could ever love anyone else the way I loved him, it just won't be the same. Went down in the basement to put stuff from the washer into the dryer...there he is. Lying on the couch (if he's home, he's lying on the basement couch). I lost it. I screamed at him I thought you were dead! i was so happy thinking you'd never come home! he had a beer (not opened) on the table, I grabbed it and pretended I was going to smash it into his face, he went into protective position. I threw the can against the wall and laughed at him for being afraid and told him he is so not worth it, he is NOT worth laying a finger on, he is less than zero, how dare he come in my house. Yeah. I totally lost it. How do I go from wishing him dead to missing him to wanting to kill him. I seriously could have killed him the moment I saw him. If I was a violent person, if I had a gun...yes, I can see how these "crimes of passion" happen. I told him he is so lucky I am not like that or he'd be gone. He was breathing weird. I told him to stop breathing, it's annoying! He is obviously on drugs and I honestly in my heart hope his heart stops beating. I HATE feeling this way. I am NOT a mean person. I care a lot about others and literally don't hurt a fly and just having these feelings is killing me. I found the names of a few lawyers and will make calls tomorrow. Two have free consultations and my work will cover a visit so I have 3 to check out. I NEED him gone. I love him painfully for no reason except we have been together for so long. I idealized him. Adored him. I would have done anything for him. But now...I HAVE to leave him. I will go crazy. My poor son, I took daughter to horse riding this morning. His karate was having a special class today, I told him I couldn't take him because of horse riding, to ask his dad (he wasn't home but he's usually back around 3am or so). Well, he never came back so he missed out. I made light of it, saying, well, you didn't really want to go that bad right, he said I guess, so we left it at that. Inside my heart shattered. I wish he would go away, then no expectations. We all had fun together today though, that makes me happy to see them happy. But this loser seriously has to go away. I cannot STAND these emotions going from one extreme to another. I pray and pray and PRAY and I don't falter in my belief in God for one second, I KNOW I am being prepared for something greater. But getting through NOW?? How I am supposed to go to work tomorrow, leaving kids, knowing 'he' is coming 'down' in the basement??? I am supposed to be able to concentrate???? This is SO stupid. So for now I hold onto the thought that I will call lawyers tomorrow (hopefully they'll be open!) and get this moving. I seriously am absolutely fine UNTIL I see him. I guess I just can't believe someone can be so heartless. I can get the not caring part, but not caring and not leaving? Why?

When you have built a life together, it is normal to have feelings for that person. Even if you do divorce him, you will still have many feelings for him. You said you were fine until you saw him, maybe keeping a journal of your thoughts will help. It is hard to remember the heart ache when he is not there and you do not know if he's dead or alive when you are relieved that he is alive. Keeping a journal of the thoughts that you are having on a daily basis will help you stay grounded in REALITY when your emotions are on a rollercoster.

Hope this helps.

Audrey Silcox
Creator of Divorce Tool Box
http://www.divorcetoolbox.com

I was not relieved he was alive. I was happy at the thought he was dead and furious when I saw there was still breath in him. This is how I feel most of the time. I am confused why the missing him thoughts come in. he has done nothing but treat me like dirt. I guess during those times I remember the snippets when he was good to me and I string them together and pretend it was a life with him. It wasn't. My brain tricks me. I was so desperate for love, I think I made it all up in my mind as a protective mechanism. Sometimes I go back there again, but as soon as I see him it is a painful slap in the face that brings me back to reality too fast that my emotions can't handle it. I used to keep a journal, started when I was young. I cannot bear to throw it but I also cannot bear to read it. It makes me too sad and too mad and makes me wonder what the he11 is wrong with me that I allow people to treat me like garbage when I know better. I think I am doing better now and get away from people like that. But at work...I can't just quit because someone upsets me. Chances are there'll be someone like that anywhere I go. And with him...I can't make him leave and I absolutely refuse to move me and my kids and cats out of my house so he can sleep in the basement every now and then. I am going to call for a therapist when I am done writing to learn to control this anger. It scares me. I don't think I would actually ever harm him or myself, I care WAY to much for my kids and their happiness, that love is a power much greater than any hatred I have, but it's not enough to stop the thoughts or (loud!) words at him. I will try writing again and then burn it. Part of it scares me because I feel writing it down gives the words power and permanence. So if I try burning it, maybe it will be a way of letting them go. Thank you for reading and replying and for your suggestion! I definitely need ways to ground myself in reality! This has been my problem since childhood! I 'float' off and sometimes get confused what is real and what is not. I hate that feeling.

Counseling is a good idea. It did help me. My guess is that your are not missing him, but the hope and the dream of what could have been. That dream is gone and you know what you had wanted so badly will never be. I had no problem letting go of Jerk, but if was more difficult to let go of what I thought a marriage should be and what I wanted it to be. Let us know how things are going for you. Sending prayers for you.

I called 2 lawyers today and have appointments this week. Also found a therapist. He caught me looking for paper work. he begged for 'one more chance'. Whatever. so insincere. He admitted to cocaine and pot again on top of alcohol. he actually found me looking through stuff because he wanted his laundry...he threw up on himself. wow. what a keeper.I told him no way no more chances, it's done. I felt torn. I didn't feel like I wanted to hug him but I almost felt like I should. Well, I held my ground. I am hoping to file for divorce either this week or next. I have to see what lawyer says, if it's best now or to wait. I really hope I like one of them!!! I don't want to proceed with someone I don't feel comfortable with, but I also don't want to waste a lot of time looking either, so please keep your fingers crossed for me!

And toes, too. Keep us posted.

I remember having those emotions you cannot control. I remember wanting to kill him. I remember feeling out of control of my own actions. Like you I am not a violent person, but I really did want to hurt him. With him gone I have control over when I see him. (We have kids-I do have to see him.) I know in advance when I will see him so I am not caught off-guard. That really helps. My emotions aren't on that roller coaster because I have more control. Let us know how you come out with the attorneys. I think living apart from him will really help you. Hugs.

Thanks Becky! I know I will be better when he is gone, definitely his being there unexpectedly is a trigger. I can do laundry if he's down there and I know he's there. i take some deep breaths, focus on just going to the laundry room and not look at him or speak. Sometimes I hold my breath as I go down the stairs and won't breathe until the laundry room door is closed! that actually makes me giggle! But not knowing he was there? It was awful. I didn't even hear him come in! He sneaks in like a burglar! I am all out of sorts now. I have to pull myself together. I can get away with not going into work because it's MLK day and I have kids, but I NEED to get my work done. I'll try to do it at home and go in this evening. I just don't want to leave my kids home when he's here and in who-knows-what kind of state. God help me. I have a family history of heart disease and I am scared this stress will literally kill me before I have the chance to live a happy life!