So as many of you know, been married to addict for almost 20 years, have 2 kids, 16 and 10. He went on MAJOR drug/alcohol binge over weekend. It was JUST what I needed (seriously, not sarcastically). I had been on the fence, should I file, should I wait...OK this...time to file. So "interestingly", my awakening coincided with his (uh huh ) He went to AA meeting today, keeps begging me for "one more chance", he's never been more serious, he loves me, wants his family, he'll do ANYTHING for us, blah blah blah. Well, I had appointment with lawyer the other day but had to reschedule for next week (lawyer had personal emergency) but I meet with a different one tomorrow (taking free consultations with a few so I can find the right one) and also go to my first therapy session to help me control my anger (took me a long time, but finally made that call. Already wanting to back out, but I have to give it at least a chance so I'll go). So I have told him NO NO NO a thousand times and he keeps begging. I told him if he'll do anything for me, then LEAVE but he won't. He says he'll make me happy, be here, be my best friend, I told him I don't WANT him to it is TOO LATE. he asks for a last chance I tell him he already had his LAST CHANCE and he BLEW IT. He won't listen. It is making me insane. I know this is VERY typical of addicts, they do this then as soon as you give in...back to the old behavior. I've been through it hundreds of times over the past 20 years and my feelings for him are gone, kind of hard to continue loving someone who makes your life a living he11. I just want to scream shut the fvck up at him!! We only had this conversation because both kids were out at activities. I know some of you have been through this, please tell me what you did to keep your sanity!! I am keeping appointments with lawyers and filing for divorce regardless of what he says. I am so sick of his lies, and if what he says IS the truth, if he really DOES want to change and be a family and if he really does love me, well, then good, I hope he suffers when I leave. Right now I feel like when you first wake up from a nightmare...you can see you are in in your room and safe, but you still feel afraid. I am waking up from my 20 year nightmare. I see what a great future lies ahead without him, but he lingers. Once he goes away, i can be whole. Do you know this song? Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM&feature=fvw Here are some of the lyrics:

"I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms"


The learning to live half alive part really gets me. that's how I feel. I put on my happy face and take care of kids and go to work but inside I am dead. And now I am finally feeling alive inside knowing I can get away from him he's pulling this sh1t?? NOT falling for it. He says he won't be able to work and provide for us if I go through with this. I said so what we don't need him. Well, here I go, ready to take the first step into the storm that is necessary to go through to get to the sunny days.

Strongspirit,

I wasn't married as long as you have been, my X was leaving & often.. was my first marriage & I was committed. He wasn't. He has addiction issues, before we met, using alcohol & pot, not when I knew him. BUT he had not worked through his addictive nature & THAT was HUGE. He had not learned stress coping skills; he desired to revert back to, glamorizing his past & crutches (alcohol /pot/ dysfunction) in his mind, that he would leave & return to his former life (not sure about the alcohol & pot but to that environment/friends... ).
He I think craved what we had, the love & what would have worked but he was ADDICTED TO dysfunction.
It's funny because I have been Really angry lately at him, for what he did/ the chaos he created in my life & turned it upside down (divorce/debt/total fracturing of what my life was before... etc).
I have felt Stuck the last 3 weeks ...
I've felt that I need more, "balance," lately & it's tough because I have so much I'm dealing with in a literal sense, divorce (finalized but only months ago), property sale (that was recent FINALLY), debt (dealing with that now)..
I thought maybe if I vary my exercise routine some,
for balance.. BUT I think, that I am REALLY needing to burn off that energy I have LITERALLY.. so going to go back to / more of, the energy burn in a literal sense..
Exercise helps me SO MUCH. I find I am not stuck in the anger.. YES I get angry when I think of what happened & what I am dealing with but I don't stay there in my head.
What's funny (not really but odd I guess...) is that when they (X's) decide to do this DYS function stuff..
our lives are chaotic & they know this/ they are addicted to the craziness.
I thought it was SO strange in my ex because we had so much together, so much potential & love but it's like he was married to the craziness of his past.
When it clicked for me & I knew he had no desire to live in peace, it was easier to let go.
Where I'm going with this...
even when we say goodbye & let them have their merrygoround of lie (add an f for function & one has life).. it's still about DOING what we have to do ...
I LOVED being married & to him. I really did. I would have done abuot anything to keep him/ I wasn't desparate, I waited to marry & knew he was right & he would say I was for him too. BUT he was addicted to
dys function.
I think it helps me a lot.. before & now, if I can make SURE to burn off that energy/ exercising to whatever degree that the anger doesn't stick with me.. yes anger is part of grieving, but I notice I let go of it & can still function when I stay in movement in my life (literal movement!).
funny too because his past was riddled with alcohol & pot use (which is something that my adult life/ as a teen I used to go to parties & drink, with friends but I grew up after high school!). ..
I think one can also get stuck if we don't remain Active.. WHATEVER THAT IS that our emotions are FLUID.
anger is a normal human emotion, but getting stuck there isn't (that's where I've been the last few weeks with all this)..
sadness too, normal in loss... but the goal I think?
is the FLUIDITY of.. our lives.
THAT'S what was missing with EX. He saw it, he wanted it, he lived it / we did together!!! BUT he would not allow the healing of his life.
Life is not easy/ it's hard work/ MANY rewards too, but it's hard work. The ones stuck in addiction will not do the hard work. EX has addictive nature, he reverts back to...
When I am functioning at what I feel is my best, my emotions are fluid. My days are busy, I might get angry but I let go, I have many emotions but they are in Real Time & flowing, like a river & the purifying where we are moving forward in life..
does that make sense? I think I get again where I need to get back to, the last 3 weeks I have felt stuck, in the anger.. & yes varying my routine is good/ but I do need to burn off my energy (literally) to let go of the toxic inside myself (emotions) that I am alive!
I think what you are in now is tough strongspirit, BUT too.. try to do all you can for you, for your family (kids), don't allow his addiction to poison you, but keep MOVING/ FORWARD / literally, whatever that is, take walks, get some ex equipment (you can buy it/ dirt cheap).. but keep YOUR LIFE flowing...
then if he floats away out of your life because he is not wanting to LIVE, then it was his choice, NOT YOURS.
I LOVED my husband.. I LOVED being married to him.
I wanted NO OTHER... I was SO happy in it, but he was not willing to LIVE. He goes on about with his destructive behaviors & choices & it is his life pattern now. But it doesn't have to define me/ who I am. I Can & Do love. I am busy/active/happy.
I was when he was with me.. I will continue.
Don't let this kill you/ who you are.. you need you/ your kids need you. God needs you!
sorry this is long.. I'm recentering myself here after 3 weeks of anger..
I can't live like that.. In marriage each one has to take responsibility for themselves & if one spouse is not willing to do their part, then there are problems.. I think where we can get stuck in marriage & in divorce? is when we don't stay in our own selves, allowing the poison of their not wanting things to work overtake us.. or LIVING.
I don't know.. I think? I know how it works for me.. my own life.. so sharing that..
I REALLY loved my husband & I still do & when I try to poison myself with allowing the anger to stay (just because he is angry/ addicted/ no functioning does NOT mean I have to do the same!)...
then I am not allowing that love to flow ...
It REALLY makes me angry that he came into my life & that he fell in love with me & me him & then he allowed it all to die (our marriage).. but guess what, he cannot kill my spirit, my love, me.
They need it to be about THEM when they are addicts.
They then need a crash pad .. we are not a crash pad.
God Bless you. I'm vowing?praying! to let go of this stuck feeling I have had for a few weeks that I am HAPPY/LOVING & myself again!
I'm not saying I have the answers because I don't/ I know what's worked for me thusfar.. & what hasn't.
I just think healing takes time from this loss/ a spouse that is uncommitted.. it is Hard Work & allowing them to fall down & not be their crash pad because we are their wife NOT THEIR CRASH PAD, is likely what the answer is.
I'm committed to life/love/happiness.
HUGS.

one more thing that's coming to mind..
when an addict innebriates, they are suppressing their emotions. SO, often the ones they are close to, that are functioning (non addicts) in their lives, wind up expressing the emotions for both..does that make sense? I know with ex, he was not currently using/innebriating, BUT he was in the habit of not dealing dealing with his emotions so he had no stress coping skills, he would snap on a dime (anger),
leave (move out) when stressed, etc. In other words, the spouse that is functioning in the marriage winds up often expressing the emotions for both.. !?!!
When he would do silent treatment I got mad/hurt/ confused.. I spent so much time in emotions that I should not have had to be in because he wouldn't deal with (his own).
SO, for me.. then & now I HAVE to push ahead & work hard just as then, it is same now/ I don't like what he did to me & my life but it was representative of his life, NOT MINE.
I choose life.
:)
I think it would be neat to be a life coach...
I'm not sure what they charge to see.. therapy is helpful I think to get unstuck but being ACTIVE in a literal sense for me is how I feel happy.. when he was here (before married, married, & now /divorced).
remember the dys function keeps us as their crash pad.
we are/were their wife not crash pad.

Atta Girl, StrongSpirit. Stay true to yourself. You know what you need to do and you know what's best for not only you but for your kids as well. Keep us posted on these appointments. Hugs.