(((((Sue))))) I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Once in a while, sure, but this seems to be too long for you! Send me email, let's see if we can get together again, OK? All I can say is have faith. I have had days where I literally rolled out of bed onto my knees and prayed to God to help me appreciate this day! Think about what you would like your life to be like. KNOW you will have the life you want. KNOW you deserve happiness. Take chances. Do something new, something for YOU. Did you contact a therapist? I finally went to one yesterday to get help with dealing with my anger. He wasn't very good. I wanted to push him down the stairs as I left! Won't be going back! Next time I see you I can tell you all about this weird place! But I'll try to find another one. You can try a few and see if you find someone you are comfortable with. I am sure your sister wishes she could wave a wand and make your pain go away. But she is right, the happiness has to come from you. Seriously, email me, call me, let me know your schedule and we'll get together, you pick the place, I'l be there.

You are not alone I've had one of those weeks. When I think things are going my way, here comes the flea with something to just throw me off again and I let him. For him it is just a manipulative game he has to play. I have seen a pattern and I will try to ignore as much as I can from him from now. I will no longer play his games. Take care and I once hear some one tell me it is okay to have a pity party for yourself once in awhile them while your tears away a make your self look the best you can and just walk outside and put the gives smile you can. Try it, it works.

Sorry Strongspirit, that it's been so long since we have chatted. I will be in touch soon. I've been in a stage 4 spiral of depression & ruminating. I need to crawl out as I have a tendency to shut down & remove myself from everyone & everything when I am feeling this way. I keep saying "this is so hard," & had a meltdown the other day after finding out my husband moved out of state with his girlfriend. Such an irony that he is moving on & living quite the high life yet I am struggling. I can't imagine that at some point shame won't hit him. I feel like if I know he has regrets or guilt it would somehow make me feel better. The reality is it doesn't matter! Reality is it's over & I will never see or hear from him again. I think I need to literally point blank force myself to change the channel so to speak & get back to the gym. I hope this becomes a habit at some point that will get me through this. I was literally physically ill yesterday & almost inconsolable. I can't keep doing this to myself! Oh my! ~ I will call you soon.

((((((((((((Sue))))))))))) you are breaking my heart! God knows I wish so much I could take your pain so you can have a break. I am seriously crying for you now, I will pray extra hard tonight for God to give you a peaceful night. You are such a sweet sweet person, truly a gentle soul, perhaps this world seems too harsh but truly there is joy for you. I am struggling too. I have great moments, but the underlying pain is always there. I wonder if I'll ever be whole again. I don't want to change my last name because I have had this one for more than half my life, it is the same as my children's, and well, that old name doesn't hold too much love either. So I think, wow, my name is a constant reminder, my children are a constant reminder. For as long as I live, I cannot completely put this behind me. So I am praying a lot to help me get over this. He is still here. Back to ignoring me again. Better that way, I really can't stand to see him or hear his voice. Do you like the singer Pink? I have been watching her videos and just crying! But in a good way, it gives me strength,makes me feel like I am not going to take crap from anyone anymore. Good thing I am not younger, I'd have my nose pierced and a few tattoos if I were! I have become a youtube addict, watching these videos and ones from the '80's...sigh But whatever, it makes me feel better! You are right, what he does doesn't matter. He didn't treat you right so screw him! It might seem like he's living the high life, but he will NEVER get to that point because he lacks the depth. The true high life is knowing your power, feeling connected, not feeding your selfish needs. I get annoyed thinking of my stbx being happy, but I know he will never know true happiness because he is way too shallow and self-centered. So good, he can go with stupid people, saves me! So much is waiting for you, I know it is hard. It took me 20 years to get to this point (yikes) I pray everyone else gets to this point a LOT faster!! I have said this before, I wish we were closer so we could see each other more often. We could have some fun! Sending you lots of love and prayers!!!!

I digress on StrongSpirit's reply to Sue, but bringing up the last name issue caught my attention. When Jerk first left, my youngest, then 7, asked me if that meant he'd change his name to __(maiden name)____ since "we're getting divorced." That told me a LOT about his thought process. He already saw his dad as a separate entity from the family. So I explained that he'd always be ________ and blah blah blah. At Christmas I said we were have the (maiden name) side on Christmas Eve. He looked devastated. "Are you changing your name back? I want the same name you have!" He didn't seem to care if he had his dad's name. Then, to top it off, I'm a teacher and am called by his name probably a hundred times a day. Having kids together keeps us always connected, like it or NOT. But I've always known I've improved the family name-truly the better half.

I had mentioned I have been watching "Pink" music videos. Have you have seen/listened to "Family Portrait"? I can NOT watch this without tears pouring down my face, especially when she mentions changing the last name. I guess this is another reason why I will keep his. I really hope there is justice one day and they will FEEL all the pain they have caused.

There is a song by Katy Perry that I love. It is called Firework and the lyrics just seem to hit home. Here is a section of the lyrics:

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Check it out on youtube! For some reason it just touches me so much. Music has such a powerful affect on our emotions.

I will check out the song Family Portrait by Pink.

Your not alone! I have times where I feel the same way. I have no patience - I just want to be happy and get rid of this sadness like yesterday.

I started taking this yin yoga class on Sunday nites so I am looking forward to tomorrow nite. I am also going to try and go to mass tomorrow morning - I don't go on a regular basis.

Hang in there and in time everything will change - it has to right!

When you wrote about the Yin yoga you reminded me of something cute! My daughter made the Yin-Yang symbol and called it the Won-Ton

that is cute!!!

I have similar moments.. What I try to do is center myself again. I know I learned a lot in my marriage, I loved my now ex, I know more now than then, blah blah.. I think? when others esp those close to us, see us hurting, they want to patch it but they do this through their own lenses of (their) life.
What I think is helpful to do, is when alone or in saying to self, that we have something to teach others from the hurt we have experienced. It is VERY humbling & humiliating going through divorce.
I try to tell myself, I feel really good about...
a., b., c., d., etc... & keep that firm in my mind.
This is what makes me who I am.. & it centers me.
My family are not me, they are good to me, love me, but their lives are different, different experiences, goals, needs, desires..
I hear you, I think that these incidences do help spur us ahead, for ourselves, family, friends, that they do want the best for us..
BUT, even in this, we are stronger, have something we have gained to share through it all..
HOLD FAST TO THOSE THOUGHTS.. what you learned/gained from your marriage & the experience of divorce that has made you stronger...
that Is real.
I try to keep pushing ahead & I know I need to for me, my family, friends, etc..
Some good advice I heard & think it's how I function anyways.. when we go through changes, we are rebuilding ourselves, it can be exciting, challenging, etc. How we get up when we fall further defines us. We can tell family.. it's ok. & give them a hug. :)
My family are good people & really care about me too. It means a lot.. HOW I heal is part of who I am.. Sue, you don't need to second guess yourself. When you push ahead, continue with your spirit in it, & that it further defines who you are...
I think you sound like a strong person from what you write here..

Sue, I am replying to this a bit late as I am new here but I feel so bad for you. I can understand perfectly what you are going through, I too feel physically ill some of the time. I too just wish he had some regret, some sorrow, I too believe that somehow knowing that would make me feel better. I just wish there was some part of me that he would hold special forever. Something about me that she will not wipe away. So sweet lady, I am afraid that I'm not sure how to help you except to say that you are not alone in this. Somehow, someway, we have to get strong, we have to get through this. I keep telling myself that I will NOT let this destroy me. The problem is I only believe that half the time Hang in there. I'm with you.

Thanks girls for your support. It does actually bring some peace knowing that I am not alone & if you girls can do it then I certainly can trot along with you. 50% of the time is probably where I am at too, minus a day or two when I probably reach the 99% misery scale. I suppose that is progress! I started getting sick & throwing up today during a bit of a crying spell. It did create a wow this is not ok moment. I subsequently called a therapist. I suppose the potential for some relief is a step towards healing.
~ I hope we can all look back someday & feel Blessed & thankful that our relationships did end. It is sad that one person can have such control over many of our thoughts. I know that it is me that is imprisoning myself, not my husband. I hope all of you have a Peaceful night, sweet dreams & wake up to a day that is positive.

Yes, you put it correctly - I am imprisoning myself. Woking on finding the key but no real success yet. We will get there though.