Mary, forgive yourself, I hope you don't beat yourself up for seeing what he was but going with him anyway. I know it. I knew mine had, ummm, substance issues but I went with him anyway. I guess it's just hard to believe that someone can be so selfish and uncaring. I hope the divorce gives you what you deserve, but if you end up losing money, be strong, just take the hit and promise to protect and care for yourself from now on. What's done is done. Best to focus your energies on what you can do now. Imagine the future you would like, then do what it takes to make it happen. The way I feel now is I am making my life. If a GOOD man comes along and I am willing to share my life with him, well,lucky him If not, I will be fine without a man. (I wrote "I'll be fine on my own" but changed it. Being without a man doesn't mean I am alone or on my own. It just means...no man. No big deal! )

My counselor told me that the phrase "love is blind" is true and to quit beating myself up for not seeing his shortcomings. So I'll pass that message on to you. Love is blind. Quit beating yourself up.

Mary, your ex sounds a lot like my ex...
He never wanted stability.. He didn't keep me from my family but never made the effort to make a life for himself while we were together. Then he would accuse me of holding him back.. It was CRAZY, as your story sounds, it is sureal. listening to your story it sounds like OM GOSH....... but is similar to mine.
He was married multiple times, it was my first marriage. I think it's really easy for my now ex to be with MANY different women & marry them & just seems he is not stable or desires this.
For goodness sakes, consider yourself fortunate he is now gone so you can ground yourself. My life was grounded before I met my husband. It turned over & over with him. At least now I am stable, in my place, my environment, family, friends, etc...
It was never going to be that way with him cause he doesn't live like that.
I know my life was in danger because my ex wouldn't allow stability to flourish with us. I have that back now.
I know it's difficult but people have basic needs...
of home, stability, etc..
My ex used to accuse me of all sorts of things that were not true.. He seems SO unmotivated to live a life of peace, & happiness...
Remember it takes 2, if one doesn't want it to work, it won't.
Take care.

your stb?x sounds like a sociopath; multiple marriages, inabiltiy to take responsibilty for actions & financial, constant running.
It is serious disorder. You are better to let him go.

I have been told this from other people who have seen how he is towards me and life in general a - sociopath. I told him it was the last time he would threaten me with divorce and walk out leaving me again. Life will be better. I was strong and stable before he came along and I will be again. I thank everyone for their input. It is good to hear that I am not the crazy one in this marriage.

The X had NO ability to keep a confidence.. while I was with him & after he left, he would tell people lies about me, & never be able to keep any confidence, even to almost strangers, he would reveal very personal things.
Since he has been gone, I get along fine with my family & friends.. no fighting.. everybody is happy & gets along fine.
I could have been married to someone else who would treat me so much better..
I have a friend who is friends with one of these 2 guys.. I knew this one before I met X, he is nice looking, has a nice home, is very sweet, college degree.. He is divorced & for quite a long time...
but I liked him before I met the X.. it was potential. A friend has been trying desperately for us to get together.. I'm giving myself plenty of time to heal. But as this friend tells me & I know, he is a VERY sweet person.. & would treat you like a queen. .. my ex treated me horrible.
He didn't have to, he chose to.
I loved him. I know he loved me. But it was absolutely absurd what happened. Everytime things started to calm down, he would cause chaos & bolt.
He kept his friends & family at HUGE arms' length from me.. (ie, we were around my family not his/his choice).
He said I was, "his," & we had something unique, different, I tried to talk him out of it for a time because I knew it wouldn't be an easy marriage.. but no, he insisted.. on & on & on..
he has a jezebel spirit attached to him & everything I have read it fits to a T.
MOSTLY: he could have easily tried to make it work (& it would have) he didn't.

& it really bothers me to speak poorly of the ex. I know it would have worked if he had tried.
But I most certainly have no desire for him back in my life & what he did to me is..................
SO much work to get life back in order.
& that's why I come here to share & for support...

for what? reason he did this I have no clue.
Take care & I pray you heal soon.

God's Justice!