My husband announced in August, 2 months after he met an old friend at his high school reunion, that he wanted a divorce. At that time, due to the logistics of him moving half way across the country and also some financial matters we agreed to live together at least for awhile until he could find a job there, etc.
I was devaastated, had never seen it coming, he had never in any way indicated unhappiiness. Looking back, I see we hadn't really been spending quality time together, busy raising kids, but we always had date night at least once a week and I was always looking forward to the time when kids were grown and we would have more time for each other. I thought he understood that. But the only think I've gotten from him for a reason was that he felt neglected.
Anyway, after I found out about his girlfriend, somehow we fell into the habit of sitting, snuggling
together every night talking or sometimes just watching tv. I didn't hide the fact that I was hoping he would change his mind and I began showering him with my love, with the attention he apparently had been missing. Every night we fall asleep holding each other, generally hold each other all night. Sometimes there is more than holding. Honestly, I really believed that he is having some kind of mid life crisis and that if I could hold on long enough he'd come to his senses. There seems to be no point in being ugly when that's not what is in my heart. Believe me, he has also heard my rage, seen my hurt, and he has truly done his best to be comforting which is not usually easy for him. He says he loves me and always will but that he wants to be with her now more than me. For 5 months now he has flown aross country once a month to visit her. When he returns you would think he had been on a business trip. Greets me witha hug and kiss, and before you know it we are snuggling again. Ok, I can see my readers shaking their heads thinking what an idiot I am. Sometimes I think that too. But my therapist says it's not that uncommon after 32 years of marriage and I do get some comfort from him. I know he is in pain too over what he is doing and I give him comfort too.
He is gone now again and I have been sick with anxiety all day because he is returning tomorrow. Sick because it has been nice with him gone. Lately he's been pushing most of our talks into planning for the divorce. These talks inevitably make me ill because I do not want this at all. I am not looking forward to those discussions. But also, for some unknown reason, this time I just feel like I have had enough of this. I feel that it is time to give up on my hopes and dreams that he will stay with me. During the time he was gone I actually enjoyed some of the time because there were none of the dreaded discussions. If he is going to do this, against my will, I can't stop it. So I need to get on with it. But I don't want to give up the snuggling time. I do get so much comfort from it and it is helping me work through everything. Often I stay awake, crying and thinking while we hold each other after he has fallen asleep.
So I am torn. I do not know if any of what I have written makes any sense. I can see that this whole situation is really a tangled mess. But if anyone understands, I would value opinions. Would it be so terrible to tell him that I have given up hope, that I will accept the divorce but that I would like to continue with the comfort we give each other for the remaining time he is here? He will probably be living with me for another 2 - 3 months before getting his own place. I do not think I can bear the pain of living with him as if we are roommates.

Hi, me again... You know I am having a hard time myself, on here every free second of my time! I need to be in touch with others, even if most of you are in cyber space to me and I to you
I do get what you are saying. I have done this with mine for years. His 'other woman' is drugs/alcohol. I'd get SO sick of him. But needed him so much. So sooner or later I'd go back to him. He always returned my affection. Which is why he continued to do what he did. He knew he could get away with it. I have 2 thoughts. First, if he is sleeping with her, you should not be sleeping with him. Diseases, ya know? Yuck. Second, if you get comfort from cuddling with him, go ahead. Don't tell him anything though. Get your divorce plan together. But hey, if he's there...well, OK. I know I always felt like I ran to him for comfort, but he was the one causing me pain. So he caused me more and more pain so i would run faster and cling tighter. This has been 20 years. Not 19 years of 'normal' marriage then a year of trouble, but 20 years of this crap. Right now I don't even want to shake his hand, I don't want him anywhere near me (and this is not an infidelity issue). I just have gotten sick and tired of it. But it took me years and years of going back. I NEEDED to feel him to feel alive. So no one can tell you you are being a fool, to let go. It HAS to come from your heart. Just use protection if you are sleeping with him, you know you can get horrible things from warts to cancer. I see both sides. I have been there where I went to him for comfort and I took what I could get. Now I realize how he was getting more out of it than me. No one told me, I just came to that understanding. I don't know what else to say. Do what you need to do, but watch your back. I have cried in my stbx's arms more times than I can count. But it changes nothing. Cuddle if you need to. Cry if you want. But remember your worth, or figure it out if you haven't known it yet. HE is the lucky one to get you in his arms, NOT the other way around. Personally I'd just let him go if he came to me after being with another, but I know most would have let mine go years ago with his addiction problems. We do the best we can. The brain and the heart are not often close friends!

My ex spoke of, if he was out there, "dating," he would be sleeping around. & I am quite sure he has had many sexual partners since he left me. & when we were together he told me that I was his, we were meant to be, of God, blah blah blah...
he could never even IMAGINE being with another woman again.
LMAO.
what a liar he was.

don't know how he can even face himself after all the garbage of what he had said & now what he is doing/how he lives...

As to disease. I would be careful.
I am guessing that exh probably has several by now...

OBVIOUSLY they do not care.
Quite a difference from what I thought he was, to what he turned out to be. fake & folly bring no followers /in the end.
As I have mentioned here, he was my first marriage, & I really had high hopes. I also know that marriage to him is just a word. It really means nothing.
oh well. I don't mean to be really negative, I don't see things black & white. but I do know for a fact I got burned.
my chili was awesome (beer chili).
CHEERS ALL.

Know what your going though. My ex told me a year and a half before the final straw that he didn't know if he wanted to stay married. He denied that he was involved with someone else even though there was some evidence otherwise. Funny he is now proclaiming to people he is involved with the same married woman.
It got harder and harder to be nice to him while he was being selfish. I too enjoyed the times when he was gone and I could ignore what was going on between us.
For me it wasn't so much about the comfort he gave me (there really wasn't any just hope on my part. He was going to a counselor so I was hanging on to the hope that she could show him he wanted to live in a fantasy world that is not real) but the fact that I DID love him and believed in the "FOR better or Worse" of marriage.
My heart goes out to you and I hope the best for you.

Hey, Alone, you commented that we must all be shaking our heads and thinking you're an idiot. We are not hear to judge you and we have all found comfort in the others here that have not judged us. Until someone has walked in your shoes they really don't know. I'm glad to hear you are seeing a therapist. I think it was StrongSpirit who commented about how our heads and hearts don't always agree. That is so true! Everyone is different and reacts differently to the cards life deals them. Who is to say what is right? Thirty some years is a long time, especially if you had a pretty decent marriage and found comfort in being in his arms. When Jerk told me he was leaving I was very confused. We had had this conversation before but then he'd always act like everything was normal (which under our roof was far from normal!). A week before he left he had let me know it was likely, then acted like everything was fine that week. When he came to me the following weekend and told me he would be leaving I fell apart. He tried to comfort me-not because he wanted to comfort ME, but it made HIM feel better. Hey, he deserved to feel horrible. I pulled away and haven't touched him since. We all react differently. He asked when he should leave-I told him to pack his bags. We told the kids that weekend and he was gone. While it was unspoken in our home we had gone through a lot of the grieving of the marriage before he moved out. I reached out to him during that time. But once it was spoken all I wanted to do was rip him apart. What does that say about my anger issues? I have rattled on, but know that you are not alone. This ia a horrible thing. Keep seeing your therapist and let us know how you're doing.

I know how you feel. We have been married 32 years and are now going through the divorce process. We're in the same house at the advice of my attorney, but sleeping in separate beds in separate bedrooms. Many times I have wanted to get into the bed with him and just hold eachother. Many, many times.
The divorce was supposed to happen tomorrow, but due to a glitch in the settlement agreement, it's on hold again. So it will be at least another month of this.

In my heart of hearts, I know our marriage is rotten from the inside to the outside. It really has to end. I wish it could go back to how it was the first 12 years when we went places and did things together. We ate dinner together every night and watched TV together. We talked together and laughed together. I was proud of him and I think he was proud of me.
For the past 20 years it has spiraled downhill. There's only a tiny thread left, not enough to hang onto.
So, when the divorce is final, I expect (hope) that we can still hug eachother - and more. I hope I can talk to him about things and he can talk to me. Some of the others on this forum have expressed that a man is using a woman if this relationship continues like this. Well, maybe he would be using me, but I would also be using him.
Yes, I know how you feel.

Yes, JustMe I know what you mean about wanting to stay connected somehow even after the divorce. My husband says that he hopes we will be close friends always but that it will be up to me since I am the "injured" party. I do not know how to not be friends, unlike some others on here he is not an abuser in any way. Until he met this woman he was a good and decent, hard working man. How can you live and love someone like that for 32 years, raise a family with him, and not want to be at least friends? I am afriad it won't happen though, he is so head over heels about this new woman and his behavior and attitudes have changed. I am not sure he will be a friend who stays in touch. Given his intention of moving 1400 miles away to be with her, he could very easily drop out of my live and the lives of our children and grandchildren.

Please forgive me if I overstep, but you say he is a good and decent man. He made vows to you. He has broken those vows. You have to do what is best for you...in my book a good and decent man holds up his end of the vows. Hoping you find peace soon.

Yes Becky of course you are right. But notice that I said "until he met this woman" he was a good and decent man. I truly believe that. What has happened in the 7 months since is a completely different story. Especially since up until this point he has completely refused to work on our marriage. Even when our children asked him to at least attempt to salvage it he has refused to even try. No, he is no longer a good and decent man.

I stand corrected. My stbx also was not abusive-not in the sense that you would think. But looking back he has always been controlling in a passive agressive manner. He has not abused drugs, etc., except in the past few years he is drunk as often as sober. He never cheated on me (that I am aware of), although I know his heart has not been with me in the last loooooong while. But I understand what you are saying about seeing your stbx has someone that was decent and a good man. It's hard to see that that has changed. What could possibly make a man (thinking of yours) do this? As my grandfather would have said, it appears as though the elevator no longer goes to the top floor. I am praying you find peace soon.

LOL! I love your grandfather's comment! That's a new one for me!! I am still hoping that my husband is having a mid-life crisis and will come to his senses. But each time he takes a trip to visit her he drives a larger wedge between us. I honesly am no longer sure I want him back. At least not without him proving that he really wants it. That would take real effort on hs part and a good bit of time too. I hope and pray everything works out well for everyone on here including myself.

Hope is the best thing to have in the world. I do hope that if you and your husband can work it out that it happens for you. Stranger things have happened. But don't let hope come before you. You did go on and say that you don't know if you want him back and that is the point that you have to remember. Once a man or woman decides that they don't want to be in a relationship hope takes a back seat.
I really had to think through the hope. I NEVER wanted a divorce. I thought I could will my ex to want me. After his first affair I gave hope the benefit of the doubt. I hoped, prayed and wished that the words " I slept with someone else" would be just a dream. I forgave him. Forgiving and forgetting are two separate things. Looking back I realize that I never really forgave him. I said I did but the betrayal, hurt and sadness were just to much to forget. When my ex "decided" he wanted to be with someone else over me he took part of me. The forgiving, kind and loving part. I still struggle with being a forgiving person. Seems that since he took that part of me when he cheated I have become a hard uncaring person. To live 9 more years hiding the betrayal from family friends and most important myself was harder on me than actually dealing with the affair. We ( better said ME) tried to glue our marriage back together. The only thing I didn't try was Krazy Glue. He cheated again and again. Until finally I was numb to what he did. I no longer cared. I filed for divorce. A step that was harder to do than I thought.
Now to work on getting the part of me that he stole. Step by step I am becoming the person I was before he destroyed me.
None of this might make sense my point is that IF BOTH of you are willing to work through the affair then it can work. But if he is still seeing her then there is no hope.