Hi Dina:

The truth is just that. ...protect the kids from what? Most of them already know despite keeping quiet about things. When you talk about it, it brings it out into the open and the healing starts. It worked for me. Most times, people move on. Keeping quiet...just keeps thing bottled up...but do what works for you.

When I went through my divorce, there was a group of people who kept saying, spare the kids, they shouldn't know...but you know what?...If I was a kid, I would want to know...and keeping secrets will just make me respect you less...so I let them know.

My children are well adjusted now...not too sure how they would had been if I "protected" them and they ended up filled with anger or rage. Your kids are filled with rage and rightly so, because some facts are kept away from them...

Their father did those things for his reasons. In time, he may speak of it with the children if he is able to maintain a good relationship with his children. Most of these fathers do not end up with a good relationship with their kids.

It's all about communication and respect for a person's feeling.

I get what you are saying but his problems dont always have anything to so with your kids. If it is necessary to tell your kids thats fine but just make sure you are not telling them as a way to get back at your husband. That is not fair to the kids. If he is a good father and your kids love and respect them why would you want to hurt them like that. It is between you and him. For me in was inevitable, they knew what kind of person he was before I did but if he is a good father then I wouldnt. My kids, even those that were victims, would do anything to have their father back. Meaning they miss him and the good parts of their life with him and not having him has been extremely painful to my son. Having lived with kids that know what their father was like and seeing what living without a father has done to them I respectfully do not agree.

Dina your message was wonderful. I do not want to tell the boys this latest thing. They don't need to carry that too. They know he was not a good father, he loved them but was never involved with their lives or friends over the years. They are very close to me and the only reason my oldest son still talks to his father is because of the grandkids. My ex loves the grandkids and they love him. They are little so will not know about any of the details.
I do feel sorry for him, he just could never communicate with me all the things going on in his mind. He truly is addicted to sex and I have tried to talk to him about that but he insists he is not. I know the last affair (the one he is still with) is a tramp and has cheated with married men before. She is willing to do anything an everything to hang on to him because he gives her money for her house payment, takes her out and buys her things. I know he will see what he has done one day and regret it but it will be too late for us.
I will always miss him, we never fought, yelled or anything. we were best friends until this. I know he feels bad and is sorry but he has no idea what he has caused me to go through and to feel. He just is so selfish and only interested in what makes him feel good. I am trying hard to forgive him but he has said some pretty hurtful things to me and been so hatefull through some of this divorce. He of course blamed it all on me but I know it is not my fault. He has not even been able to say the words "I cheated on you". It is like if he says it outloud than he has to take the blame for it and he can't do that.
Like I said I do want to forgive him and move on but I am just not there yet.
Bridget

Bridget,
You will...if you are open to it.Some women are not. They want to stay in the yuck. Trust me I know of which I speak. But forgiveness is so freeing. It actually allowed me to be friends with my ex. Of course, he is no longer in denial about his addiction and has actively engaged in being freed from it. With God's help and lots of therapy he is doing much better. The heart breaking thing to me now is that he is in a new relationship and it hurts to know that his addiction ruined our marriage but now this new lady is going to get the best of him. On most days I am ok with it but sometimes it really hurts. Forgiveness is a process. Dont think that once you forgive it is all over and you will never hurt again. That is not the case. You chose to forgive, its just like love. It is a choice. Then it is a daily act to ask God to give you the strength to walk in that forgiveness. Not every day will be perfect, some days you will still not want to get out of bed, but that is when you lean on God. Say to yourself "I have forgiven him and that is that." I am reading a book by Joyce Meyer. It is called "Battlefield of the mind." I would highly recommend it. It gives tools to overcome all those assults on our minds. Thats what they are. Assults. Once you forgive the rest is just the enemy trying to convince us that this situation is unforgivable. It is not. Nothing is unforgivable if you really desire to forgive. I believe that everything happens for a reason, even pain. Remember Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to bless you and not to harm you, plans to give you a furture and a hope." You never know, you may meet a man that is a greater blessing to you then you could have ever dreamed or imagined. Your sons support you and love you and your grandkids are a blessing. Enjoy the good things in you life and keep your eyes on the Lord.

Dina your message was so comforting. I do want to forgive him and I am trying. I, like you hate the idea that he has learned by his mistakes during our marriage and now the woman he cheated with is getting a better partner than he ever was to me. That is the hardest part to deal with. I do still love him and I don't understand how I can. I know I am better off without him in my life but I miss him. One day I just want to strangle him and the next day I wish he would knock on my door.
I do pray to God everyday to help me find my way through this mess. I would like to be friends with my ex but I think it would be so very painful to ever see him with anyone else and to hear how happy he is now.
I know if I truly forgive him I have to get past all those feelings. It is just so hard to be in this place. I live on a small hobby farm that I wanted my whole life. I thought I had a great marriage and I do have wonderful kids and grandkids. My life was everything I wanted it to be, then this. It is just very hard to now have to give so much up and also forgive him.
I have to sell all my animals. I have had one horse for 14 years and the rest of the horses, dogs and goats for over 6 years. He just walked away and I have to deal with all of the mess and pain. When I think about that it makes it very hard to forgive him.
I am working on it.
Bridget

I totally understand and I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is hard to love someone that is not able to return that love. Notice I did not say "Does not love us back"? That is because he does love you. You cannot be with someone that long and not love them unless there is abuse. He hasnt stopped loving you, he just doesnt know how to show it anymore. He has let his sexual addiction take over and his heart has stopped functioning. It is not that unusual. Men that have sexual addictions shut down after a while because once the addiction takes over then the heart ceases to be in control. His mind is completely consumed with his addiction and he has given over to it. Letting him go is the right thing to do but that doesnt mean that it feels good. It is what it is and unfortunately the innocent suffer but when it all is said and done, he will be the one suffering. When the other woman takes off and he is alone he will turn to you and his sons and all will be gone. God can restore and heal, of this I have no doubt, and if that is what God's plan is then so be it but dont feel you need to wait. This is his choice. Let him live it because ultimatly he will pay the highest price. Dont let his current circumstances fool you. He is tormented inside. My husband lived everyday as if he were dying inside. I love him still but I cannot undo what has been done. Hang in there my friend. There are better days ahead.