I don't know where to start but I'll try and give a brief overview. Husband and I haven't gotten along in YEARS. Have had ZERO physical relationship in a DECADE. Both children grown. We both have decent jobs (so I think alimony is moot). Issues are I spent the funds from college funds because children did not go to college. (He was rightly furious). There was infidelity but at same time an open marriage scenario. He would rather die than give me half his 401k. He's harping on the infidelities which I also think is a moot point. I do not know what to do. I feel we should have gotten divorced long ago but never did. Recently had to upgrade our home due to structural issues and he used funds from his 401k, he "texted" me saying "if I take the money from my 401k to pay for home repairs in the event we get divorced I want you to have no claim to my 401k" ... This all sounds crazy to me. What options do I have ?

You sound like a conceited, self-centred nightmare to live with. I wish him luck in his new freedom after the divorce. You’ve spent the college fund. You’ve had affairs. You’ve deliberately ‘let yourself go to seed,’ yet you expect him to still find you attractive after putting in zero effort into your appearance, maintaining trust within the relationship, or even fidelity! And yet YOU feel sorry for yourself?! What a joke...

I think your best option is to find a divorce attorney who can advise you on what will happen legally when you divorce.

It's not just what you two can agree on, there are legal considerations on what would happen to joint assets.

Good luck!