Hi Orion. I care, and so will many others :)

I think you’re dealing with a range of issues right now including:

The post-fall out after a divorce and having to essentially ‘start afresh.’
Also, your adult children - It’s common to feel a senses of loss and to feel slightly forgotten and neglected by our grown children who often have busy lives. If your paths rarely cross, it can leave a ‘hole’ in your psyche/heart. If grown children are ungrateful, or refuse to acknowledge the stresses, strains and struggles (such as you ‘going without’ so they could have something) you had in raising them and providing for them, that can seem like an ungrateful response. Take a look at them though: Are they healthy? Confident? Successful? If so, that in itself is ‘evidence’ of your work and tireless commitment as a mother :) Don’t think of it in deficit/negative terms-they don’t owe you-Instead, try to view matters as: You’ve done ‘your bit.’ Now it’s time to focus your energies on healing YOU.

No more emotional manipulation and ‘giving’ of your kindness and generosity limitlessly. Save heaps of it for yourself! Do things that you find spiritually fulfilling (not necessarily in a religious way, unless you are religious). What do YOU like? What do you want to achieve in life/out of life? What makes you smile? Find out...and then do more of that! You don’t even have to mix with your current friendship group if you don’t want! Friends can be replaced with new friends! Real friends don’t judge you by what they can get out of you! Start saying ‘no’ to people when they ask you to do something/or they want something. You can be polite, but firm. Maybe they actually don’t know how you’re feeling if you haven’t opened up to them?

Definitely seek out counselling regarding the childhood trauma. That’s too big of a topic area to struggle with alone...It might also explain why you were codependent with your ex.

Get through the stormy/rainy period and sunshine will begin to feel it’s way back into your life again. Raise your face to the sun and remind yourself that to have lived through all the smick you have and to recognise and acknowledge that things need to change to empower yourself, means you’re one hell of an awesome, insightful gal! (Yes, YOU there!)

Do yourself a favour and don’t be as hard on yourself :)

Wow! My mind is blown I just read what you wrote and other than the age of your children your marriage sounds like my marriage was. But also everything that went on in an abusive way 10 years out of 17 years. it's been 5 years now and Ive realized in that time.that I was the main reason why our marriage ended up like it did. But the truth is God turned my decision into something great. He took those trials and tribulations.From my marriage to make me stornger in ways that I would have to be for my spiritual walk with God and for him to be able to use me for his purpose.in the beginning when I left I went through depression, loneliness, feeling worthlessness,lost physically mentally spiritually.Not knowing that it was just a season a long season I must say...Just to end up having the most amazing relationship with my creater, finding out my purpose,Having more understanding about the truth in life and of our Heavenly Father.And seeing him use his amazing power first hand. What's also amazing is him using me.Him loving me so much having faith in me just a regular child of his nothing special far from it. To spread his love to the lost while I was just as lost as my brothers and sisters. And brought me out the same time.To come to a close we are in the last days for real more now then ever before.you are going to start if you haven't already being enlightened. During this time you're going to go through a lot of trials and tribulations.you feeling lost and blaming yourself for a lot of things that's went wrong in your life having regret wishing you could go back do things different.Having trouble forgiving yourself and easier forgiving the one who hurt you. I promise you stay strong make sure not to loss your heart and know that all of what you been though and is going to be going through will pass will get easier and the good that comes out of it out weights the bad.with out me going through that I wouldn't have found my calling, and God wouldn't have been able to use me the way he has. The relationship God and I have is stronger than it was before I meet my soon to be ex. Which I thought our relationship then was incredible but now it's unbelievable. I know what your going through first hand. My advice is: you need to forgive your husband, if you already haven't and forgive your self for the decisions you made in y'alls relationship. Which I am pretty positive that the only bad decisions you made all those years ago that was the decisions that changed your life and eventually coused the ending of your marriage. Was you putting your husband before your relationship with God.You shouldn't blame yourself completely for your husband becoming who you see now. The man you see now was and has always been. You have to forgive in each and everyway including yourself! Forgiving yourself is the last before you become more spiritually aware and connected with your father. Don't get me wrong there's more stages of your enlightenment that will come eventually. But what you're going through right now you're about to come out of that kind of burden that you are having. I will come more into the light when do that you will feel more peace. I love you and God bless! Keep your faith in God! There's a light at the end of the tunnel and you will have more peace as time goes on. Everything does get easier. God bless!love you! Your sis.....,