My soon to be ex husband and I have been separated since July of 2020 and are in the final stages of divorce. It has been the most respectful experience; we don’t have children, property/assets, and we’ve both agreed to keep our own retirement accounts.

We’d been together since I was 17, I’m now 32. I don’t know how to process this loneliness, I’ve never been alone. Even now, I’ve moved home back to my fathers. That in addition to the pandemic have been weighing on me heavily. I’m not sure how to be an individual any more. I had put off college until about three years ago and I’ve been working while in school.

Overall I’ve grown as a person, lost weight, become healthier mentally/physically, I’ve had more free time to be crafty and read and I’ve become more independent. But there is still a loneliness that I haven’t quite over come or really understood. I feel isolated from my friends and family. I’m working on it everyday to make sure I am not shutting people out but I’ve mostly got the divorce on my mind and it’s all I can talk about. I don’t want to weigh my friends & family down.

I don’t know that I’m looking for an answer but I would like to be able to talk to someone who I can relate to.

Hi Sophia,

You were together as a couple for over a decade, so becoming alone again takes quite a bit of adjustment; even if the split was amicable. I had also been with my husband since age 17; so 36 years in total. It hurts and unfortunately, there’s no ‘quick fix.’ We experience grief and loss - even if the divorce process is amicable.

I think moving back to your father’s place-although comforting because you have ‘company,’ also might feel like regressing back to dependency? It’s natural to go back to where it feels ‘safe’ and familiar. That’s totally understandable...but what plans have you made for independent living in the future? How do you feel about dating again?

At 32, you have an opportunity to find the love of your life, and to be together for the next 30-40+ years maybe! The longer you dwell on your loss/the past; the more ‘in-limbo’ your mind and emotions will keep you. Instead of expending all that energy on a relationship that can’t (?) be fixed, look to the future.

Get out a pen and paper and write down all the things you liked/that worked in your last relationship/his character, then all the things you didn’t like. Use that as a learning tool for your next relationship. You may not be ready to date ageing yet and that’s fine: Totally fine, in fact. You need to feel ‘ready again’ before you do that and you will just ‘know’ when that time feels right. No one else can make that decision for you. Your ‘gut feeling’ tells you.

For now, concentrate on developing YOU! Discover your likes, your dislikes, hobbies you enjoy, the ‘look’ you want to present to the world. Eat healthily, sleep well, journal your thoughts and track your feelings. Remind yourself that you are no ‘has-been!’ It’s so easy for us to dwell on what ‘went wrong.’ Instead, the trick is to work towards acceptance that it HAS happened, that you can’t change the past, but you sure can guide the future. How do you want your future to look? A career? Kids? A new partner? To live as a single, independent individual? What?...

Divorce is as much about a voyage of discovery as anything. It hurts, it sucks. But it can also kick-start sparks in us that we would never, ever had even thought of prior. I’m still on my journey (as are many women on this forum), and I still have some ‘down’ days when I feel very alone and a bit ‘lost’ to be honest. But I know that tomorrow is a fresh day, that will bring new experiences, new opportunities, and hopefully, new hope too. I wish the same for you 😊 Kaz

Lovely advice 🌸

Wonderful advice. Just separated so can't relate but gives me hope it doesn't have to be negative or nasty all the time

Great advice. I’m not coping very well, in the midst of divorce after 35 yrs too - been with him since 17 too... so worried I won’t be able to cope alone.

I go through the same

Thirty is the wall. Most women your age are desperate for a husband and you're ditching yours. You think you're gonna' find another man to support you at this s stage in your life. You're on your own now. Just you and government social programs.

Total tosh! ‘Carol’ your negative troll messages are pathetic. Do you ever read them back to yourself and realise how obviously unbelievable they are?

Ultimately, the joke is on YOU, not the women you are attempting to ridicule and make feel crap about themselves. It’s losers like you (and you’re probably a man anyway) who give empowered women like me, extra vim and vigour in our determination to support our ‘sistas’ and stand up against ****** like you!

Angela,

I had the same thought that "Carol" is clearly a bitter, angry man. Pretty pitiful that this is what he does with his time.

Kelly

Another brick in the wall.

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