So my husband and I have been married for 20yrs. I recently found out around 2yrs ago he had an affair on me. With a woman that is 25yrs younger than him and never has to work a day in her life. With that being said I have tried to stay and work on things because I feel it’s the right thing to do for out kids. As of today he has not changed his ways, he still chooses to talks to her and goes behind my back and see her. He plays mind games with me and tells me he loves me and he can’t leave me because he knows he won’t be happy! And he could not live life without me. Then goes on and tells me he knows he won’t be happy with her if he leaves me for her. But he refuses to stop talking to her. I can’t keep going on like this it’s just to much for me and the kids. Please can anyone give me some kind of direction.
This is the same thing I am going through. I also chose to stay and try to work things out and after 20 years we are divorcing. Our lives turned chaotic.
I realized his cheating had nothing to do with me, even though I took it personally. No matter what his reasoning was for cheating, treating me that way was not something i was willing to tolerate. I was literally a door mat, because I had to change to suit him, to keep the relationship together. This was something I could only uphold for the short term. My hurt feelings would not allow this to continue and things got worse and worse. He was not willing to end the relationship and I couldn't accept that.
I also realized the absolute trust I had in him was gone. I went through phone bills constantly, wondered where he was all the time and even contemplated using a spy app. This was not healthy for me and it created a shadow of doubt that I just could not overcome. I will never be able to trust him again. He HAD to be able to change and really try to create a sense of security and build the trust back with me. He refused.
We tried counselling to no avail, he didn't think he was doing anything wrong and all this was my fault. You cant heal or repair anything when only one person is willing to do it.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this too. Believe me I know how difficult it is. Your husband is not willing to try or change, he is hurting you, he KNOWS this, but continues to do so. What does this say to you? I have learned to look more at actions and not words. Lies can be told through the words but not through the actions. It may be helpful to you to look at this in your relationship, do his actions line up with his words? What are you willing to tolerate and what are you not? Draw those boundaries with him and if he is not willing to change his behaviour, you can decide if staying is really what you want. You will try in vain to get him to change, especially if he doesn't want to.
Find people who can support you through this and remember to take care of yourself. It is a hard road filled with difficult decisions, and heartbreak. I am so sorry, i hope this works out for you.
Well thank you it’s nice to know there are other women going through the same thing I’m dealing with. Sometimes it’s just a lonely world out there and I get tired of asking family & friends to hang with or just talk to about this. l really do struggle with the Loneliness part of it. Starting over is very scary for me at the age of 48 I feel like this shouldn’t be happening but unfortunately it is.
I also get the phone records & 360. We also tried marriage counseling but after the fact found out he was still talking to her the whole time. it’s just seems so ridiculous to be doing this.
He also blames me for not trying harder in our marriage. When he obviously is not making any kind of attempts.
I’m just so tired of all the arguing and screaming matches it’s taking a toll on me and the kids! I haven’t yet taken any kind of action as far as a lawyer. I feel as if he wants me to start the process so he won’t look so bad.
You are correct I need to start paying more attention to his actions and less on the words. This makes sense to me because we all know actions speak louder than words.
Trust how do you ever get that back? Seriously after all the lies and sneaking around how could you ever feel comfortable! I just wish I was dealt the hand of just going our separate ways but instead I know he would end of with her and I think that’s what hurts the most!