Hello Dani,

The book "20 Years Gone: A Divorce Story" by amateur author Dorian Wright (available at Amazon and Google Books) can help to provide you with the situation of another who basically endured your same experience.

In the conclusion of their book, they provide this tip:

"There is a song that is popular on the Christian stations at this time called “Not Today”. Learn this song, and apply that phrase every single time a memory starts to creep in about what this divorce has eaten up, or what it has done to you. Say that phrase and keep going!"

It *will* get better. Time may not heal "all" ills, but it definitely helps.

Hi Dani,
I’m recently divorced after a 20 year marriage. I think your feelings of failure are valid but I also think you may be feeling some regret too, that’s what I dealt with. The only tips I can offer you is reassure yourself you’ve made the right decision for yourself & your children (even if they are young adults-teens), you are teaching your kids healthy boundaries & giving them the opportunity to see that no matter what adversity you may be faced with in life you can always overcome. We have to make difficult decisions in life sometimes & although we end up on a different road than we imagined, it turns out to be a much better road in the end.
The emotional rollercoaster you’re on right now will subside eventually. Just remind yourself daily that you’re headed in the right direction. Find a good support system- friends, family & if you don’t have a counselor I would suggest getting one. I did & it was extremely helpful!!! Especially navigating all those emotions going thru a divorce can cause- the why’s, why nots, the how come, etc.
Keep your head up honey! This too shall pass

I been separated for 2 months , but we are divorcing. I have been married for 28 years and it is devastating. I am 49 years old and honestly I don't know where to go from here. My husband cheated 10 years ago. We went to counseling and I thought that things were going good. Then when the pandemic hit things became very difficult. He kept working because he is in law enforcement. He became very distant. We would not talk much and when we did we would just get into arguments. He worked a lot of overtime and I would hardly see him. There was little to no intimacy. When I asked to go to counseling he agreed. Only to find out that he was not 100% committed. It turns out he had started communicating again with the same woman he had an affair with 10 years ago. I had no choice but to ask him to leave and he did. Deep inside I wanted him to say that he was sorry and he wanted to work on the marriage and I would have agreed. I would have done anything in my power to stay together and continue working on getting things back on track, I was still in love with him. We are meeting sometime this week to talk about a divorce settlement but I am torn. I want it to be over but at the ame time I don’t.

My husband is also in law enforcement. Creates an extra layer of complexity that is hard for others to understand - like we are supposed to be ok with the disconnect having a spouse in that profession creates, and we are bad wives if we struggle with it. And during the pandemic it became unbearable for me (he went to work every day, and while I know what he does is difficult, so is what I do and it was extremely hard to work full time at home with the kids every single day, and I got zero compassion or understanding). I get it, if I can help from that perspective please let me know.

Dani, I relate to your story more than you know. After a 34 year relationship, 29 years of marriage, I am also facing divorce. We have 2 adult children, 1 lives on his own, the other now splits his time between our homes. We've been separated for 3.5 months and some days are just hard. One thing that was helpful for me in the beginning was to take a break from social media.
Let the emotions come when they do. It's important to have a support system. Try to take some time for you. I was 16 years old when we started dating. At 51, I'm having to reinvent myself and that's terrifying. Give yourself time. I really do know how hard this is. He was my best friend and we were happy for 25 + years. But I have to believe in a better future and I know you can too. Build on the small successes and keep getting up every day.

Just to feel that you are not alone I have a similar situation. I have been married 26 years in August
With three kids 22,21 and 21. I found out he has been having an affair since October (luckily she is the same age as me so I don’t have to worry about a younger woman). I am heartbroken and know nothing about divorce. I wish you all the best!!

Hi Sally
Sorry you are going through this
My ex husband also cheated on me
Why you mentioned “luckily he found a women the same age as yours”

Cheating is Cheating no matter what age his lover is
(Still cheating and it hurts)

Wish you Luck

I totally get it. I have been married for 28 years. I don't know who I am outside of one half of this couple. The only advice I can give is talking to others at this same point in life. This completely sux, and if there were a quick fix pill, I would take it! Please reach out. Maybe we can help each other through this.

Ladies, I can't believe that a lot of us are in the same position in this stage of our lives. It is unbearable to think that I may have to live the rest of my life on my alone without a love partner. I know that I am not ready to start a new relationship, but the alternative seams so bleak and lonely sometimes. The times alone are the worse. My soon to be ex took my two boys out of town this weekend so I am home alone. I am just taking it day by day and looking forward to a time where I can say that I am better and stronger for having been through all this.

Morning / evening ladies

All comments pretty much sum it up, still going through the midst of divorce and trying to sell house and find somewhere to live.
Whole host of emotions going on, I feel I am in the mend , it’s all kicked off in Last year when I found the stbe has been cheating again,
Did what I said I would do if he did it again, kicked him out. So have been dealing with getting divorced , selling a home, trying to find somewhere to live and deal with now 20 yr old sons , who hope to god don’t turn out like him.
Range of emotions up and down like the tarts knickers he was cheating with.
Anger was off the scale , sadness, numbness, you name it have been there , started journaling to get rid of anger and mixed emotions, I know I am getting better as I don’t journal so much now.
Went through a phase where I had rose tinted glasses on, trying to make excuses for him, that didn’t last long , these were from evenings where I a memory would crop up from knowhere , suppose I was mourning the future I thought I had, and was now gone, but you know what I would just read what I had put in my journals over the months and realise what an arsehole he was and will always be,
Now instead of dreading the decree nisi and absolut dropping on the mat, I can’t bloody wait, I just want him out of my life, in fact I would go as far to say the cheater he involved himself with , as she has done this before , I actually want him to go off with her , she lives a few hundred miles away, she has cooled off, think she was using him as a meal ticket, now she realises he does not have a pot to **** in , she has cooled, it was just fun for her. I actually want them to set up house together, because the way I see it , he does not deserve a decent loving faithful person and neither does she , because they both lie and cheat, if they are together that means the decent people out there are safe , it seems my stbe has done this in all his relationships, it’s all coming to light now, he will never change, so yeah I am ****** off that I wasted 22 yrs on someone that is not fit to lick my boots, and yeah I am 58, not exactly a good time to start again, but you know what , at least I have kicked him in to touch now, whether I have 1 yr left on this planet or 30 yrs plus left on this planet, I am going to make the most of it. Once I have moved out of the family hime that chapter of my life will be closed and I will start a new one. There is nothing etched in stone to say my life began and ended with him, I am no longer mourning what I thought I had lost, because let’s face it , what I had , and was naively passing off as acceptable behaviour from him was not worth diddly squat.
If you took me in a room before I said my vows , and you said this is what will happen over the years , do you still take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband , i would say, are you having a laugh, ? What I have to put up with lies, and cheating and the occasional beating and constant manipulative behaviour , hell no,. So ask yourself ladies , whatever you have been accepting over the years from your spouse , would you still marry them? No you would not , but here’s the thing for some reason once we are in this situation and are enduring such behaviour , we are constantly trying to make it work , . This revelation has hit me like a ton of bricks,, so no I am not going to waste another minute thinking what if ?, I am saying thank god I won’t have to put up with this behaviour anymore.
So I will make a fresh start , older , but a lot more wiser, and a lot more happier,
You can do it ladies
Much love ❤️

Hi Diana I found out the something two weeks ago 31 years and he had kids with her and not me I got help https://bit.ly/3iRvp84 good luck