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A SAD feeling

It has been 10 months that I filed for divorce and the divorce still not finalized yet why I feel sad even though I definitely do not want to go back to him
Been married for 33 years
The reason I feel Sad also is because he is going to grow old alone since his sister does not get along with him
I am worried more when he really get sick , he will not be able to take care of himself :(

Why I feel this way??
Help me to understand this feeling of sadness that is not going away

Thank you

Re: A SAD feeling

Sounds like you feel responsible and it is something I struggling with... I hav enot asked for divorce yet but I have be whicked introspective as I go through this process. And one reason not leaving him and I feel responsible.

But for me it comes from upbringing. I am a caring person by nature but when you add on top of it childhood abuse then it becomes a whole nother best. I was taught as a child and by my husbands reinforcement that I was responsible for how they felt. If they got angry, upset, hurt, sad, frustrate, ect. I was responsible from that. When I was young it was survival to the point of not getting beat. In my relationship it has been survival but on a different level of being isolated from everyone and fear of leaving with not having any support.

I would look to why you feel it is your responsibility to take care of him and to ensure he is happy.

It really isn't. Something I am having to look at in the hardest way at myself. Not only feeling responsible for other people crap but anytime I am asking other people to be responsible for my happiness.

Re: A SAD feeling

I think you are an amazing person. It is so hard to sever those feelings. I haven't even left yet, so I am still trying to figure things out. I was looking around my house today, wondering what I could take without hurting his life too much. Maybe it's just a time to be a little selfish without being hateful He is a grown man, and needs to figure his own stuff out. Your marriage ended for a reason,and he is at least half of that. Stop trying to take care of him, and focus on you.

Re: A SAD feeling

Hey Kathy, I can relate my initial feelings was how I could not hurt my husband but over the years of still living with him and trying to leave I realized for me what it truly was being trained to not displease him otherwise I was on the short end of the stick and it really wasn't pleasant to be around.

Initially he do this and I winde up crying pleading within to listen. And it was always the same he blow up, get upset with me, I cry, he get whicked cuddly/nice and then he feel better. Other times, he say why do you always think it is about you. I say well you were in a good mood and then I said X and now you are in a bad mood so you are upset because of what I said. Or I say well you where in a good mood coming home from work and now you are not. You are being short and acting upset towards me when talking and you won't tell me what is going on. So what would you have me to believe?

And invariably 90% of the time he was ****** something that he festered on from hours ago or something that I just said would set him off.

It eventually happened often enough that I realized it reminded me of my parents I wounde up in the same unhealthy relationship they were in. Then I realized I was being used an an emotional punching bag. A dumping ground for really nasty energy.

It reminded me of physical abuse but I am not getting hit physically just emotionally. Finally it reminded me of how I used to get whipped alot by my mom. And one time my brother and I made a pack to not cry and boy did that **** her off because crying meant we were sorry and submitting to her control. She was ****** we laughed instead. That was my brothers idea.

Then I started fighting back verbally with my husband, and I wouldn't back down. that escalated a few times in to physical stuff like him breaking doors, or throwing stuff, or chest butting or shoving. The only times I managed to get through to him is if I logically stated something in a neutral tone. He could fly off the handle do micro expression like huff roll his eyes roll his head. But if I did got upset in the slightest whether victim or protector he thrived off it. I got to the point that most of the time I just argue very straight to the point. Winning to many arguments and me pulling away more. He slowed it down the number of times he get *******

Now he has been on his best behavior longest ever, couple of month now; cause he knows I am done.

I am now looking back at our life and wonder if I really know him. He would do stupid stuff like my favorite color is green. And then when I say yeah how about getting it in your favor color green he get ****** and say no that is not my favorite color it is blue. Mind you his favorite color is blue he always balk at me buying him blue shirts button downs.

I personally think no one knows him and he jsut lies. Wonder if he truly knows him self. So scared of something don't know what.