My real story on divorce, abuse, trauma, and moving on…

All I have to say to everyone having to deal with these issues such as abuse, manipulation and trauma that comes with messy divorces, all I have to say is that things can get better and it requires just a few things that I wanted to share with others in similar situations that could help. Things I wish I knew years if not decades ago.

Accountability!
When thinking about my own life, his own life and the lives of our kids, our family, finances, secruity, character, questions such as how often does he work? how often was it there/present? how often was he really listening to me or our kids? at the end of the day these are all things and questions that became more and more frequent after a while it just becomes personal accountability to keep dealing with someone who was rarely accountable for others let alone himself. To continue thinking about and continue to keep dealing with the same issues it begins to come down to personal accountability and questions like “do I really want this for me and my kids everyday? Once these questions start to pop up that’s when you know. Sure there is marriage consoling and other alternatives but no one really knows what it’s like to be married to someone that has no accountability and no motivations to do the right thing to fix problems. As if the problems go away on there own, let me tell everyone the problems don’t go away until you leave such people. Even after the divorce and even to this day this man is still not accountable and blocks out his other side of his family for his perfect life in government, flying planes and profiting off people, it’s just wrong and I couldn’t live with myself, I couldn’t see myself dying of old age with him being happy, I never really felt safe with this man and his Narcissistic unaccountable moral compass personality. He still continues to play the nice guy to this day with his new wife which I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s just in it for the money or his small pebble which doesn’t even work. Real men take accountability, have a sense of honor and actually support there children. I’m doing better now many years later with a accountable and trustworthy new husband. A man who treats me well, listens, helped me through so much baggage left behind and actually cares in fact he goes out of his way every day to show he cares about me and his family, even the kids that are not even his and are from the man who was once my husband. Now he is just someone I see a few times a year if I want. Things can get better, but it does require accountability. Having no accountability leads to more constant issues.
becomes into a repeating cycle and patterns with people.

As for the abuse, trauma, his influence and the divorce, it took a really long time, but I eventually did it then left. I had finally escaped the terrible marriage and beginning to be happy again after not truly being happy for so long. I thought my life was awful there for a bit but it was just who I was married to and rather the environment I was stuck in for such a long time. Rather quickly after I starting dating again i was beginning to get sparks again especially when I met my new husband it really was like 90% of my problems disappeared after marrying him. You know what he makes less money too then the last husband but let me tell you girls something money can’t buy happiness for someone forever, that takes true love.

Moving on… moving on can take different shapes and can be different for everyone. For me it’s been vacationing, online forums where I can connect with other people, spending time with my family and going to couples therapy, I can’t tell you how many people and lessons I’ve added to my life when I finally began to speak up, and really understand what it means to be accountable for ourselves and others. I hope this helps people out there in similar situations and that things can get better.

S

Thank you for sharing and I’m so happy for you and congrats with the new hubby!!! I’m 15 years in and we both are unhappy. I want out and so does he. I’mthe one that’s employed and I just want to get this over with. I’m embarrassed I’m 45 and this is happening. Like I missed my 30’s with him and 1/2 the 40’s. I’m not perfect. Never cheated. Either one of us but his lack of motivation and drive and inability to love because of his past and the loss of a (parent) basically make him unable to care. I was coming out of a relationship when I met him and it was fun. Excited and different. And I jumped out of the pot and into the skillet. I hate it. I am just so miserable. I know he probably is too but I’m bitter and destroyed inside and can’t worry about how he feels. But BUT congrats again and thanks for the advice. Accountability is KEY

Wow, I think we're married to the same guy! Mine was also destroyed because of his siblings dying when he was a teen, but he used it as an excuse for his poor treatment of me and everyone else. He was unmotivated and such a disappointment to me too in every way. He was a freaking English teacher and I'm a writer, yet he had no interest at all in my writing. I mean, would not even look, and if I begged him for feedback, he'd tear my writing to pieces. My husband is emotionally unavailable and was never once there for me through a lot of serious stuff with my health, and now that my sisters and I have had a falling out, he decides to divorce me. So, I'm alone, but hey, it's better than being with him. Hooray! I know what you mean about being destroyed inside, but I'm just dismissing anything that reminds me of him or our time together, and that's helping already. For you, and for me, the sooner we put it all behind us, the sooner we can heal. Good luck, and congrats.