I (33 f) have been with my husband (34 m) for 10 years. We separated a month ago and I saw his tinder account yesterday morning. We had been having problems for awhile. It felt like our relationship turned from fun and loving to roommates who sleep together. I could never pin point where things went wrong. I think we just both had a lot of past trauma that wasn't dealt with and as we matured and weathered many storms together we grew apart. Part of that could be opposite work schedules or stress from financial problems. Honestly we might not have even known how to be in a healthy relationship as we both come from broken home. However we were both trying. Our lobe languages are opposite it seems but he stopped seeming to accept my acts of service as a love langue anymore. To me it worked with how opposite everything was.

We had almost split up 3 years ago but decided to try to work it out. He had been publicly ridiculing me when I wasn't with him. A lot of things got back to me and it caused an even bigger rift in our relationship. We got the help we needed but the couples counseling that was promised never happened. If it had maybe we would have never ended up here. We had discussed working opposite schedules because we had goals and children. Child care is expensive so we thought if someone was always with the children it could help us save a good chunk of change.

We got behind in the last few years because right before covid hit we had decided inwould stay home with the children. Everyone took a hit during covid so as soon as I could go back to work I did. I've been working 12 hrs a day for months and finally caught us up. Our bills would drop drastically which would have been a fantastic opportunity for us both. I had cut down hours leaving the house around 3pm because he had again asked me to be home with the family more. Things seems to be going fine. A month prior we had a deep discussion about doing a trial separation because it seemed at least once a month he would pick a fight, need to have a discussion, or he would say something under handed.

During this discussion when I had brought it up I told him I didn't want to hurt him but I couldn't keep taking his anger. He liked to say things like he's used to taking care of the kids by himself when I had to work as soon as he got off work. Or when I had asked him if I could go dancing with family members after he got off work he said it was up to me so I said I'd go. When he got home from work he was mad. He had had planned to spend time with me that night but didn't communicate that with me when I asked or even when he got home. It took me telling him I couldn't take him making me feel like **** every time I left the house after he got off work.

I thought at our last discussion the month before the fight things were calmed down and we had come to an understanding. The whole household then came down with sickness. With everyone feeling sick the intimacy we were working to get back ended up being put on hold. We were sick for 2 or 3 weeks before the fight. The week of the fight I was have such bad stomach cramps that when I got to work and had to stand I would get dizzy and feel like I was going to pass out. This feeling would come and go. I didn't want to worry my husband so I didn't tell him about it. I just said I was feeling sick. 2 days before I texted him while at work and told him I needed to come home and just lay down in bed and sleep. I did just that. The day after I came home and tried to stay on the couch with him however the stomach cramps were extremely painful. I told him i was going to go to bed and I went to lay down. The cramps finally stopped just as I heard him go into the bathroom. By the time he was out I was passed out.

The next morning was the fight. It was bad said I gave him attitude and he was tired of it. I pushed him back from yelling in my face and he called assault. He said I was manic and crazy. I was actually in panic mode and trying to get away from the situation (Yelling is a trigger for me thanks to my lovely father). Then told me he wanted me out of his house, said I don't do anything, said our relationship was a mistake. I called my sister sobbing. She came and got me and he had called the cops. Now we had put some boundaries down a long time ago. If one of us didn't want to continue the relationship or wanted to be with someone else. We would talk about it and try to go our separate ways amicably. He told me he would never kick me put of the house when we bought it. It would always be my home and even if we weren't together we could talk about it and switch rooms around so we would have our own rooms.

He also knew from the very beginning I really only had 3 rules don't lie to me, don't steal from me, and don't cheat on me. In the beginning I was firm on not going back. I had warned him I couldn't continue to let him make me feel less than and unworthy, like I wasn't good enough. He had kicked me out and called the cops on me calling assault. I know I shouldn't have pushed him back. It was a knee jerk response that I didn't even think about when he was screaming in my face. It was a point of contention between us because at first he tried to say that stuff never happened. He never said or did that. I was extremely uncomfortable going to the house to see the kids. I felt like I had to have my guard up nonstop. He asked for couple counseling and I agreed. If anything it would help us communicate better to co parent. Then he apologized and again asked for couple counseling. I agreed again but said we need more than just an apology. We needed counseling and work for our relationship especiallynecause he was telling people at his job that inraised my fist to him and hit him. I have never hit him and I definitelydidnt raise my hand to him. He said he would let me know when the counseling appointment was.

Christmas happened and we exchanged the kids in the middle of the day so they could see both sides. I was still waiting on the appointment date and time thinking we were going to try to work on this. Honestly I was also hoping that he would put in some effort in trying to get me back. He had always said I was his best friend and he would never be able to be with anyone but me. Actually he had even said it in way more words and a way more eloquent way during the talk a month before the fight. He said he didn't want to do this life without me. I was going there daily to see the kids and barely anything was said. The New Year was rang it to a post about how quickly life can change, how much his did in a short amount of time, and how he was going tonstart fresh and happy in 2024. He hid his married status, change his snap chat, and stopped wearing his wedding ring. Yesterday morning my sister found his Tinder profile. It said he was separated permanently and he was looking for friends. We all know what that means when it comes to Tinder. I also found what I suspect is the new women he is talking to. Someone from about an hour away with no mutual friends and just recently added.

10 years down the drain and gotten over in a month while I lay here not being able to sleep. All the hardships, sacrifices, and years down the drain. 10 years of companionship, of standing by him when everyone else left, of defending him and his behavior against my family and friends, of working together to reach everything that we thought we wanted, and 10 years of being with someone who I thought I could trust with giving my whole self to. He the one that always said we need to communicate and he didn't even communicate that we were separated permanently. Nothing was communicated on the rules of this separation. I continued to wearing my wedding rings and call him my husband. Now I don't even know what to call him anymore.

I'm so hurt because to me him having a tinder profile (even if we are separated) is cheating. Nothing was communicated about seeing other people and 2 weeks ago he wanted to go to couple counseling. The pain I feel at loosing what I had thought was the only man who I thought would be my husband is excruciating. We both made mistakes but I thought we were going to work on them before the fight, try to work on getting back together with counseling, and this morning I find out we are separated permanently and not even by his own mouth.

Sorry if this is rambling I've been up for nearly 24 hours and I just wrote what came to me while thinking about all of this.

Hello
I read your story. It is different from mine but at the end of the day it is fulled with pain and sadness. I wish you find closure and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I too am a functional 43 year old women with childhood trauma. I am what you would call ANXIOUS CLINGY... I am starting my therapy. It has been hard. We both will find peace. It is time we heal and have happiness and love in our lives.
Kindly
T