Thank you all for your replies. And Lisa H, I especially appreciate what you shared. I admire your strength. I don't want to believe in my heart that my husband could do something like that, but I know in my head that it's a possibility. So is his committing suicide. But I have to use my head to get through this and not my heart.... I agree I have to stay prepared for anything and stop feeling responsible for his behavior.

I'm glad that my story helps. I never dreamed I would have to go through some of the things I have gone through.
You are strong too. You just might not see it yet. It's not weak to deal with what they put us through day in and day out. Weakness is giving up, surviving is strong.

yes, while you may think that you know your husband, there is always something lingering in the closet. i would ask that you be very careful, not to startle you but i just lost a dear friend to murder suicide her situation was very similar to yours.