Amen Susan
Life is to short. Don't get me wrong when I see my ex unhappy I do smile, even if it is only short lived. I feel sorry for my ex because he can not love. I feel sorry for my children that their innocence has been cut short by all the drama. I feel bad for my ex's gf because she will never know true happiness with a man who can't love. You cannot break up a home and be happy. But I do not feel sorry for myself any more. I do not lay my happiness on his misery either. I have found happiness again. I will do my best to make sure my kids are happy. I will only take on what is mine. My ex will either find happiness or he will not. For his sake (and mine) I hope he does, then he can stop trying to make my life miserable with his crap.

That is one thing I do not miss with my ex out of the house....Misery. He was becoming one miserable person. When he doesn't get his way he sucks everyone down with him. I even had a person tell me that when my ex is miserable everyone around him is miserable and this person was not a close friend or relative...yet they could read my ex. I am learning not to let his misery affect me anymore. I still have to raise our children with him....but it is so freeing to have a home of my own. I can close my door and rest.

Susan

My ex wasn't always miserable I noticed a change in him two years after we got married, he was discharged from the Army for a medical condition. It seemed like that is where our marriage started to slip. He started drinking, I would get angry, we would fight, I would go with out talking to him for days. I own my blame, I know that I could have done things differently. My Mother has always taught us that no matter what life throws at you, you look for the silver lining. I hate self pity and refused to let him use it as an excuse to throw us away. I tried to just love him, that didn't work, I tried fighting him, that didn't work. Soon I realized that until he loved himself I was just going to have to deal with living alone. So I prayed that he would some day wake up and see his blessings. Materially he had everything you can ask for. He had a great job, a house, we had two new trucks in the drive, every man's dream toys...he also had the best, two beautiful boys and a wife who would have turned the world upside down for him. Yet he never smiled. he always complained. What he had materially was never good enough. He was miserable, and I felt him pulling me down too.
See I have a lot to be thankful for. I am alive, I should have died 13 years ago, my Dr calls me Miss Miracle. Live hasn't always been kind to me. My cousin/dear friend was brutally murdered, my uncle died in a tragic accident, another uncle to cancer, another uncle to stroke...If I sat long enough and dwelled long enough I could sink into a deep depression and be unhappy too.....but I choose to see the silver lining in my clouds and smile. I try to smile every day, some days it is harder than others but I figure if God seen fit for me to be here there has to be something to smile about
I'm glad you are at the point of happiness Susan. Life it to short to remain angry. I think we are entitled to it every once in a while though

susan

"I know where I was and I know where I am now and even though the rippling effects of my divorce still lingers in my everyday life. I MADE IT! It was hell on earth, but I MADE IT! So I know all of you will too. Just keep to your values, love who you are and be honest in all things... the rest will fall into place with time."

I just had a personal conversation with my district manager today. We talked about ourselves (to get to know each other better workwise) and the divorce topic came up because he already knew about what was happening in my life. He told me he and his current wife went through it too (men can also go through some bad stuff) we didnt get into the reasons for divorce (thats a little too personal for a business relationship) but he told me one thing: "Having gone through it myself, I can tell you it is not easy and it is a long hard process but you will get through it".. I thought about it and the first thing that came to mind was "long" .. neither of us has yet to file for divorce, but it is inevitable. At this point i am content in my own place even though there are support issues (him complaining its too much and not paying).. I have to admit i am a little bit "scared" of the divorce procedings and all the arguments that will come out of it. I am tired of the drama and do not want to deal with more. I wouldn't care if we just stay separated with the support agreement and be left alone. I could get alot of benefits out of the divorce but I could care less about money (well i would like my college loan paid cause i cant afford it, and of course i want to make sure i can take care of my kids but the support will help with that). I won't file cause i do not want to spend money that i need to a lawyer. I am also still under his health insurance, and as I am not working all year I need that right now. if he files i will go through with it. I believe I have a very good lawyer, he did a wonderful job for the support, but going through that was hard enough. I do not plan to ever get married again, I am 43 and cannot see myself ever feeling good enough about a man to marry him. LOL maybe when im 65. Anyway the thing is, i feel good about where i am now and what i want to be doing with my life. but i have a feeling i am going to go through many ups and downs throughout all of this. I feel like it will be neverending, and that doesnt make me feel so good right now.

summer, sounds like you are in a similar situation to mine. I am 39, married almost 20 years. Still haven't filed. He is even still in my house. But he lives in the basement, we don't speak. I wish he would go away. I wish he would file so I don't have to do all the hard work. I feel right now we are in a waiting game. He is too lazy to file, I am too scared-it would take me forever to figure out all the information I'd need to give a lawyer, I need the financial support right now so my kids can stay in their home. I know if I file he'll probably cause trouble, would do things that would hurt the kids just to get to me. He and his vehicles are a constant reminder. Every day I have to think of him because his stuff is here. The ups and downs are really getting to me too, lately been more downs than ups, anger is really taking ahold of my soul and tearing me apart and I wish I could stop it. I guess because it is sinking in that it is really truly over. We have broken up and reunited hundreds of times and I am absolutely 100% done with him now. But I feel I can't be happy while he is still here. Well, I will do my best to create happy times and hopefully his presence eventually won't turn my stomach. How to heal and move on when every day the wounds are torn open again?

Summer and Strongspirit...it is a long, hard road at times....It seemed like endless ups and downs that I did not want to face either, but we also know at times we can't avoid these issues. We do need rest stops though, where we take time out to think and decide our next steps and that is what you are both working on right now....never try to take divorce to fast just to get out of it sooner...it is always better to work through issues and step back to see what you want to do next. We know whatever choices we have to make are the choices we will have to live with so no matter what you both choose to do or when you choose to do it...always think with your head and avoid letting emotions of the heart push you somewhere to fast or some place you do not want to be.
"Slow and Steady wins the race" It is not easy and we don't always want to do things....BUT IT CAN BE DONE and THERE IS AN END we all just choose how we want to get there and when.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Susan

Susan,
You are such a good mother and such a good person and such an inspiration to so many on this site. I am proud of how well you have done and how far you have come. You truly are someone to be admired!
SAM

I'm so "Proud" of all of us. I never dreamed how much heartache and sadness there really was out there until I came onto this forum at the start of my divorce. I was like everyone who first comes on here thinking that no one knows what this is really like. But, we each have a story that brought us to divorce and divorce ties us all together in one way or another and all these stories and lives keep pulling me back to this forum. I know if I can make it through all this pain and hurt everyone else can too.

My story is: I was a quiet and sometimes shy person who met my husband and married at the age of 21. I loved and adored him everyday of our lives, but he not only had eyes for me...he wanted money, popularity, leadership, success, etc..etc...these things in themselves are not bad to want, but when you are obsessed in getting them all you lose so much more than you will ever know.

I could never put into words how my ex broke my heart and how long it took me to heal. I always said...If someone were to tell me all I would go through before it happened, betrayal, heartache, lies, abandonment, anger and resentment, lawyers, court, being hated by someone I loved etc.... I would have curled up and died the first day of it all. But I had 2 boys, loving relatives and friends, a God who carried me through and I found this forum full of love and support as well.

I know where I was and I know where I am now and even though the rippling effects of my divorce still lingers in my everyday life. I MADE IT! It was hell on earth, but I MADE IT! So I know all of you will too. Just keep to your values, love who you are and be honest in all things... the rest will fall into place with time.

PS Hi SAM,

SAM came on the forum back when I did a few years ago and she and I rode the wave together with some others that come on here from time to time as well. I'm proud of you too SAM...remember when we first started out how we kept telling each other we would someday come on this forum and say everything is okay and the ride is over....Well, here we are and it is OKAY we are stronger, happier, wiser and moving on...proof that there is an end and then....A BEGINING