One of my favorite quotes: Don't wait for the storm to pass, learn to dance in the rain.
My storm has lasted 20 years and I know it's going to get worse before it gets better. I am staring to learn to dance anyway.
Yesterday I went to a friend's and because of construction I had to drive through my old neighborhood where my marriage started and my children were born (lived there for 10 years starting a age 19). I cannot possibly describe the pain as I drove past each landmark and memories came flooding back one after the other. My soul cringed like a frightened dog, I was crying and literally had to keep saying aloud 'you're ok you're ok, it's over'. Once I was through and had a bit more driving to do I felt my soul open up and fill my body again. My biggest regret? Being SO SAD the whole time we were there, holding in tears at playgrounds while my children played and I saw other families and I had no idea where my husband was, if he was doing drugs again, if he'd come home and not speak to me or the kids again. My house was beautiful and I kept it a mess, too depressed to do anything. I was too ashamed to make friends, scared of being judged for my terrible marriage. But after this, it inspired me to do better. I am and have been doing much better but I still have some issues with keeping my home nice and now I feel more motivated to keep my head high and not waste anymore beautiful days because of HIM. I realized how much who I am as a person is a sum of my experiences and memories. For my future self, I am going to make some happy experiences and good memories so one day, if I pass though the neighborhood I'm in now, I will smile and be happy that I did my best with the situation I had and have no regrets. Please enjoy your children. they are only small once and don't let his actions take away YOUR joy with them. Every time you start thinking about him and his situation, push away the thoughts and get excited for your own future. And dance (literally). If I am stressed I find that "fancy ballroom dancing" with my daughter is a great relief and the giggles are sure to start when I swing her around as we change directions (and she is almost 10 and LOVES doing this!) I took my kids to a festival and my daughter ran around catching butterflies and rolling down hills while my 16 year old son talked with me and it felt so good to feel so connected with them and trusted by them, they knew they could just be themselves and enjoy themselves without pressure or fear of being judged. Your unconditional love for your children means the world to them and if you can really be in the moment with them, all of you will benefit. Make sure you laugh everyday, even if it's by having a 'fake laugh contest' with your kids (trust me, it'll turn into real laughter!) My heart goes out to you. Keep coming here to write your thoughts, it's good to let it out. Your future is yours, as is your now, make them good!