Thanks Summer,

He isnt aware of the imminent move, he has wanted me back all along but instead of behaving in a way that reflected that he did the most stupid hurtful things.
He emailed last night saying he is so unhappy and that he cant believe he's not witht he 'most wonderful woman in the world'. He said again he lives with a tiny amount of hope in his heart. I told him that only time will make things better, my responses were basically saying we have to move on.
I told him I couldnt see him because I find it painful not to be difficult. the texts and phone calls have stopped because i changed my number so the only way he can contact me now is through email. Its the one channel I left open because I thought there had to be some line of communication open. Its not too bad when hes ranting at me.

When the memories come now they are old times before all the rubbish started, I wish they would just go away. Its as though i am in mourning for someone I knew so long ago.
I guess the move is causing its own stress, im tired and exhausted so my defences are lower than usual. I really am hoping that the move helps with moving forward. Its scary too, been talking about it so long and now we have arrived. Ive put it off for some time, had it been up to me I would probably have just stayed in no mans land. I kept thinking one day i will feel ok. Its not like that though is it, you dont just wake up one morning and its gone, well it hasnt happened like that for me. Some mornings I have felt better than others. I felt so much better last week. Maybe Im just freaked out by the move.

Best foot forward, I want my new life with a man who is everything I could want, I just dont want to be haunted. Crazy isnt it.

Abbey, I think you are right, the stress of the move is getting to you a bit. Under the best of circumstances, moving is stressful! When the thoughts of the 'old' him come, remind yourself of the REAL him. He can't stand the thought of your being able to survive without him and (yikes) even be HAPPY without him. Keep focused, don't let him get to you. You are free. You fought to be free, so now enjoy it. You and your son will be fine, he is always your son and your love means everything to him and nothing can break that. No looking back, keep moving. Anytime soft thoughts of my stbx come into my head I remind myself of all the garbage he has put me through and long before I have exhausted the list those feelings are gone and replaced with the ones I should be feeling! 'Fake it 'til you make it', your inner self will become as calm as your outer self.

Thannks Strongspirit, yes the old him verses the real him. That struck a chord.


You are probably right about the move. Im surrounded by chaos and feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Spoke to ex yesterday and he is being so nice, sounds genuine but really just too much has gone on. He said he didnt know what he would do if I took the next logical step, sure he was refering to moving in with new partner. I say nothing really but just remind him gently that an awful lot has happened and we have hurt beyond any recovery. He says he misses me, that he will never love anyone like me, whether we are together or not. He will love again I know that, obviously the (ex) g/f was not what he needed. Id like to be friends with him but I think its way too soon. Well it is, I dont want to even see him because it causes me pain.
I may disappear for a few days after tomorrow until the internet is set up at the new place. Strange but im dreading not being able to check in here for words of encouragement from all you ladies. My ever faithful support group.
I often wonder how fab it would be to meet you all one day. Faces to the names. Now that would be a meeting to remember!!

Im gonna fake it till I make it....lols.

Oh, Abbey. Wow. I feel such compassion for you! Unfortunately that's all I have to give, I am in a weakened state myself, I'm afraid. My stb ex-husband says the same kind of things to me that yours does, and I am embarrassed to say we have had sex again, even though he has been dating off and on and has made it clear that he doesn't want to reconcile with me. When I'm honest, I think he's just lonely between women. I can't even believe I am doing this! I am so insanely jealous of his partners and his ability to move on. Obviously I am having a lot of trouble breaking away, and I've started thinking that I need to start dating just to made the transition. I honestly don't have a desire -- I just don't want to be alone when he finds the next love of his life! I think the jealousy will kill me. And we too share a wonderful, beloved child who is precious to us both. So, I have to keep seeing him, in some capacity anyway. Moving is alway disorienting, so once you are settled maybe you'll feel more anchored. Again, no advice.... but lots and lots of love, support and compassion.

Lori