Paula, It's not cold. It's a fact of life. When I left my ex I knew there was no turning back, only looking forward. I did find someone else. He is great, not 'rebound great" just plain great. He understands me the way I wanted my ex to understand me. He listens to me, unlike my ex. He doesn't expect anything from me, like my ex did. I think sometimes we have to go through a rough patch in order to see what we really want. My ex was my knight in shinning armor, at first I thought I didn't want anyone else just him. I was willing to over look his "faults" because I loved him. Now I hate him because of his faults, they (his faults) drove us apart. Thing is if he would have at least admitted that he had faults and worked on them we would still be together. I would have tried longer. But he refused to see his and put all the blame on me. I know my faults I own them.
I think that is the key to moving on. Owing your faults and allowing his faults to be his.

At first I thought I wanted someone after ex left, but the longer he's gone the more I concentrate on my own healing. I have opportunity to date at times but just not quite ready & working through this right now in fact, how to deal with all of those emotions.
There are stages of healing in a divorce, it takes time. Surely I am not there yet (healed).
The difference I feel when I read the last two replies, is for me, "my fault," part of the divorce. I know I have flaws, we all do. But I tried so hard in that marriage & gave it my all. I did everything possible to make it work. He (& I agree & can relate to this) did nothing to work on himself & his part of the marriage. I guess my belief is that sometimes in very abusive marriages one can do Everything possible that is good & altruistic etc., to no avail. So in healing, it's not so much a matter of somehow admitting our own failures. I guess I really have a problem with that for myself because I think, there really is nothing more I could have done!!! I'm not perfect & that was never a goal or possibility.. but I did try so hard. He did not. He didn't care to work on... it was so simple for him to have done, the ability/ the possibilities in the marriage were there, but he just didn't care to try. So, I don't rehash at all / & I have thought about this too / my own failures in the marriage. I didn't fail that marriage! He did.
Now moving on isn't easy & that is where I am really having to work hard & have to process so much.
Also, I can rest at night knowing I did all I could to make my marriage work. I wanted it bad. He did not. I don't feel stuck as to on him, I have let go, can hold the good memories/ the love but that's it.
I think it's all just a process that we work through & with God. not easy though!

That is so true I didn't have closure.
I married this man that on the honeymoon night turned his back on me.Then it just went downhill from there. I too left a couple of times but, came back because I loved him and didn't have the finances to leave.

Before we went to court I wanted to talk. I told him that we needed to decide what we were going to do before going before the judge. He did come over but, just said that he didn't believe in counseling. I also tried to talk to him before we went into the courtroom he said I just wanted all of his attention. I said the only reason I am starting divorce proceeding is because I have waited for three years without a single word from you. He said he was waiting for me to apologize.

As you can see there was no other woman that I know of so I am still trying to figure out why?

Yes, I do need closure. He has never really said that he doesn't love me. What he says is that he is not sure if he does or not. He has been saying this for years.

I guess I just want to figure him out which I may never do. I do need to talk to someone about how I feel. I still have this string attaching me to him.

I actually went on a dinner date with someone a couple of weeks ago. But, that caused me sadness .It is still hard.

Ashyah, I think that's where one can get caught up with abusers, is the need to figure them out.
They say there is no closure in an abusive situation. I think I found the closure, of course not With ex in my life as he runs, quits, cheats, lies, very abusive.
For me, I feel that things have to make sense in relation to God, to Heaven. It is the only way that I feel @ peace. So, if you can think of God, Heaven, place yourself in your head with Jesus as your Best Friend, picture yourself in Heaven (that's the goal),
then try to find that linear place in your heart in this connect. If you see the ex there in your head & are at peace, great, whatever that is or isn't..
if you don't, picture the gap closing around you, you are safe & heaven bound, peaceful. NOONE else can harm you or hurt you. All you feel is LOVE, God's Love, other's LOVE.
Friends are great.. where we can share our experiences in dating/ marriage/divorce. It gets complicated when dating & divorce. Some can do it/ want to, other's don't or can't.
Be true to God, to yourself to your spirit, THE HOLY SPIRIT. Let the love flow from you to others.. whatever that is.. however it works in ways that are pleasing to HIM.
Letting go that the ex can work out his salvation with God (with fear & trembling as the bible says), may be the ONLY thing we KNOW sometimes when a marriage ends that we wanted. Perhaps we were ready willing & able to walk through all the difficulties & get to the other side & we even envisioned it.
But they don't/can't/wont. They are determined to play, to test God, themselves, they are spiritually immature.
Or that we don't, "get," what happened in our marriage, with this person.. we can't make any sense of it/ in connection with, our lives, God, Heaven, etc. Then to try to release it all to God, to God's Love, as God Is All Encompassing. He Is Love. GOD IS LIGHT & LOVE. To release it/ the pain, ourselves, all to HIM, for healing & fixing.
I think too, it's doing what we love doing, our hobbies, making new friends, loving our family, those that are in our path on this earth that stay, stick around, love us back. It may not be perfect, maybe not what we envisioned as to our desires thereof, that ideal, BUT it is what is.
The woulda shoulda coulda, is a guilt trip in ourselves I think. Not really productive.
If God Is Love & Love Is Light & we are transformed into HIS IMAGE, one with another, then releasing that guilt, that confusion to HIM, to God's Love, to burn out the darkness, that only Light & Love remain & embrace what is in our path that is true & right & pleasing to GOD.
There may be bumps in the road, uncomfortable times, things that don't make a lot of sense, forks in the road, but woulda shoulda coulda doesn't fit too well, but living NOW, to God's LIGHT, that it SHINE from our hearts, that we let in NO confusion, but walk in HIS PURE WAYS...
In ways I cannot believe what is happening, what coulda been but I tell myself too, oh well, it IS.
& I am @ peace & connected with God, & at each juncture there are choices to make & some of this is also my testing with God, healing, the path to HIS LIGHT. I have to feel good about each choice.
EX didn't want to take the journey with me ongoing.
oh well WHATEVER.. I did get to that point.
He's on another path. I'm DONE begging, finished with allowing him into my journey that he want to upset my life by coming & going.
The closure then, to me, is that safe feeling, that love, linear from us toward Heaven, with GOD, that noone can mess this up, our salvation, our love with others & HIM. NOONE. Not the confusion, the ex, the kids, relatives, friends, NOONE. Our choices we as adults can make & then do what is right in HIS EYES, that we feel love, HIS LOVE, other's LOVE.
PERIOD.
that LOVE is eternal... LOVE.
HEAVEN. the rest just does NOT matter.
That's my opinion..
It may seem overwhelming at times but HEAVEN is our true home. there will always be struggles here.
wrapping ourselves in HIS LOVE & LIGHT till we get to our true home..
(can't wait).