My stbx flat out refused to go to counseling for YEARS. Then, when he told me he was going to move out, he told me he'd go to counseling but it wouldn't change anything. Then he said, "When do you think I should move out?" I told him not to waste my time and money on a counselor and to get his bag and go. I didn't want to spend one more minute with someone that doesn't want to be here. Two days later I told him, "I see you're still here. There's the door...use it. It only swings one way."
Lonelyone, I believe we have some things in common! My mom was also killed in an accident...a farm accident, but it has only been 6 years. I also have gained weight over the years and for a long time I thought that if I just looked good again our marriage would be better. I lost weight and he never once told me I looked good...it didn't matter one bit. As much as it hurt, it was ME he didn't want to be with.
Now I have issues with the "I still love you, but I'm not in love with you" line. Really? You love me but you're doing this to me? I don't think so. After 30 years there may not be as much passion in the marriage, but if you truly love someone you will do whatever you can FOR them.
I agree with Allison. Get YOURSELF into counseling. Do things to make you feel better about you. HE has chosen the path he has chosen, you haven't DRIVEN him away.
I have been there, I was pregnant with our son when he was sitting in my living room talking on the phone with the flavor of the year, making plans on how he had found the perfect house out in country, I stayed with him for 7 more yrs. This last one, is a co-worker, I threw him out and he went on a victim vent, he has told every one that I was fat and never took care of myself,(he is also fat) and a lot of other things. We can change for ourselves but not for any one else. I have done so many things different now that he is no longer with me. I have found out how many other woman have been through this marriage and how dumb I was to put up with all his lies.
I would say don't look for answers, look forward to a life you can live without the lies, those are the one that hurt more. Take care and keep us posted.