Hi! Welcome.

My ex got together with the woman he was having an emotional affair with before we were even officially separated. And Alice is right they move on quickly because they can't stand to be alone, they need someone to blame other than themselves. I think that anyway.

I feel confused and almost like I miss my ex sometimes too. My abuse was never physical mostly emotional and verbal... though it nearly got to that point. And I have to say I think it's the idea of the fairytale that I miss. It's the dream, not the reality. I'm still working on letting that go. But I think that is what I am mourning opposed to actually missing him. I hope that makes sense and helps.

Oh, I totally know what you mean about having a hard time letting go of the fairytale. When it starts out so wonderful, accepting the harsh reality is not easy. "How could this be?" I find myself saying sometimes. And then of course, because we're conditioned by the abuse, the self-blame...if only I had done this, or this...and the new woman, what if she does just the right things? It means I failed. All untrue, I know..but that's where the mind can take you!

I never thought about how being alone means that the abuser has no one to blame. Good point. I also was thinking that since a crushing feeling of inadequacy underlies abuse, getting into a new love affair will make that go away with the rush of mutual adoration that goes on. Until real life sets in...and the cycle begins again.

Oh...you are SO not alone on this! Ex never put his hands on me, but he took out his anger on everything around him. Holes in walls, throwing things, yelling and screaming, cursing at me. I was afraid of him at times. How sad to be married to someone..someone you love and who is supossed to love you...and be afraid around them?!?!?

A few months after I moved out, he too had someone else, who his is still seeing. Its been about a year now, and I have mixed feelings as well. I really couldnt care less who he's seeing, but to me its like he is such a liar. She has no idea who he is..what he put me through...how hard I tried. I dont know what makes guys jump into relationships so soon. I waited 8mos. Thats how long it took me to lick my wounds and be ready to move on. If I had to guess, I would say its strictly sexual for men. Women want a connection with someone, men want sex. Whatever...

As far as how your ex has everyone conned into thinking hes such a great guy who got jilted (mine too), who cares? Just let it go. The people who matter know what happened and why. Thats all that matters.

I'm glad that your doing so well. Try not to let all of that get to you. Youre so much better off keeping on concentrating your energy on yourself.

Hi...yes, it's quite disconcerting that someone you love (and who, maybe ironically loves you) would mistreat you in these ways. I still can't quite wrap my head around that. It's very nice to know I am not alone...I feel very alone with it sometimes.

I too struggle with the fact that his new relationship is a charade. I am sure she has no idea. I asked him if he had told her the REAL reason I divorced him, and he got this weird deer in the headlights grin, then said, "yes, yes I told her." I think he was lying. And I said, "and she still wants to go out with you?! (she has two kids too!) Of course he got angry and said, "are you saying I'm not worthy of anyone?" I said, "no, but I am saying it seems important that you would take some time to address your serious issues before getting involved with someone else...and you wouldn't address them with me, so..." Of course it was like talking to a wall. But it felt good to say it.

I am trying not to worry what others think...it's just that we have such a tiny community. And it just makes me mad I guess that he gets to have that public image. Oh well...nothing I can do about it.

Thanks for your post!

That exchange reminds me of something an aquaintance of mine did when I was in college. We had "an altercation" that few people were aware of and later on when there were other problems in his life a woman approached me to ask for my side of the story. When I told he she was enraged because he had painted himself in such a victim/martyr light when hearing my side of story and her general knowledge of him made her believe me more so than him. Later when I tried to warn another women, she flat out did not believe me because he had told her already *his* version.

It could be the same case here if he as charismatic as you say. But rest assured that facade cracks after a while and people will see his true colors. It did in my case. Sorry if I made too much about me.

Hi...thank you for sharing this story; it's nice to hear about the experiences of others, so it being about you is not a problem!

I have to meet this woman today due to a dog we still share back and forth...she will be there when I drop the dog off (the dog HAS to go to the vet today for a urinary tract infection and I am leaving town to see my mom.)

I have been on the minimal to no contact regiment with my ex so I can heal...but the little bit of exposure I get due to the dog, and our extremely small town, keeps me well aware of this relationship and how much time they are spending together just a few weeks after the divorce. I know none of it is a reflection of me...but it's still hard. I want to give the dog to him (though I love the dog) so it gets rid of that reason we have to interact but he can't take him yet due to his apartment situation.

Anyway, our town is so small I figure I have to meet her sometime...and not knowing what she looks like, etc. is only fuel for the imagination. So I plan to just be civil and not say anything, unless she asks, which I doubt. None of this is her fault. And I harbor no ill will against her. She met him legitimately post-divorce on match.com.

I feel sorry that I can't tell her he beat me up. But I know she might not believe me anyway (he is so charismatic as I said, especially in the beginning)...it's her thing to figure out I guess, though that seems wrong somehow to let that happen. But I can't spend the rest of my life telling all his new girlfriends.

Wish me luck! Hope it doesn't bring up all the hurt in a big way to see her. If it does...I'll just feel it and try to get back to ME.

Good luck! :) Be strong.

Dear Newlife, I am really grieved by your story. Loss is so hard to come to grips with. He is a time bomb just wait. Thank God you got out before you suffered any serious physical injury. He will revert back to his bad behavior. One day everyone will know the truth about him. I just hope he doesn't seriously hurt someone in the process. He is headed for jail. Domestic violence is no longer tolerated in our society. You now have the opportunity to move on and creat an even better life for yourself. Destiny is going to catch up with the ex and you won't be the one who is going to get hurt this time. Just try and move on with YOUR life which you so richly deserve. We will welcome your imput into our little circle of friends. Just know we are here for you when you need us.