Thanks Kathleen, I needed to hear what you said. I have not called, emailed or sent him a text and I am bound and determined not to, but the part of me that misses hearing his voice rears it's ugly head every day. I will be better off never having anything to do with him again and I know that. I now have to convince my heart about that. As you know 34 years of loving this man is hard to get over. If there would have been bad parts, fights or anything I would feel better about staying away from him. The hard part is we never argued, maybe small dissagreements but that was all. There was never any clue that anything was wrong, I actually thought we had a great marriage, all my friends always said they wished their marriage was as good and fun as ours. Then I just happened to find out about him cheating and my world fell apart. If I would have suspected or had any idea there was anything wrong I could have atleast been somewhat ready for this but one day everything was fine and he had called me and told me how much he loved and missed me then the next day I found out about the affair. I think the worst part was I was home alone when I found out and my best friend was away on vacation. I had no one to talk to, no ones shoulder to cry on. I litteraly walked around inthe house for hours on end trying to make sense of this, then I found all the "love" emails between them and I was totally crushed seeing him say the same things to her that he had always said to me. It just seemed so unreal and being alone for that whole week with all this information was the worst. It is still so hard to believe that he could look me right in the eyes and tell me he loved me when he had just left her bed. I don't know which is worse, living with someone you know is bad and cheating or the way it was with me, no clue until it hit me in the face. Neither way is good that is for sure. Anyway, I am staying strong and do have friends here for me. It is hard that now I have lost a whole family I had been part of for 34 years, they have all turned away from me now and she is now part of that family. Never ends I guess.
Dear Bridget, I know exactly how you feel. I am or know I will soon be experiencing all the same feelings. After so many years together it is almost impossible to imagine a life without our men. I am trying to think like Kathleen and realize that the man I loved isn't there any more. But that is very hard because, for me, it is necessary to honor all that we were, I also feel a very strong need to have him be a part of my life always. I am hopeful that when all is done, if we are not together, we will at least be able to be close friends. I honestly do not know if that will be possible. My heart goes back and forth about what it wants, about my feelings toward him. Love, hate, they are just very jumbled together right now. Mostly I just settle in the midde with great sadnes, regret, and deep disapointment in him and his behavior. Hang in there sweet lady. I understand. We will get through this in time.
Dear Alone, I too feel like I need him in my life. He actually wants me to be friends with him and live with her. I just can't be his friend as long as he is with the OW (I have many other words for her). If he were to leave her and get a new girlfriend, someone that had no part in breaking up our marriage I could be friends with him, but not the way it is now. He has told me that he wants it all, her, me and everything. That will not happen. I will not be second best in anyones life. But with that said it is so hard not to email him or call him, but I am trying my hardest not to do that again.
I know we will all be ok and get through this time but it is no fun that is for sure. I just want to see in the future about a year and make sure I am still ok. Hang in there, we will all get through this.