Do you think he was trying to tell you?
Saying "you can't talk to me like that" sound like he really felt some kind of way. Have you really talked with him and
apologized for treating him a certain way?
Rationalizing that its just the way your family is, doesn't sound like you were taking his feelings into consideration.
How ugly did the yelling get? Would it fall into the category of verbal abuse? Is it really out of the blue or was he trying to tell you that he wasn't happy with the dynamic of your marriage?
Sorry, not trying to be unkind, but this sounds a little like my situation. My ex- was very verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I told him again and again that it wasn't okay how he spoke and yelled at me. I would tell him that things had to change or I wasn't staying. Then when I did file for divorce he seemed surprised.
He didn't want the divorce, but I was done. But, he has since worked on his issues, gone to therapy, etc.
We now get along very well, spend family time together with our boys, and I am much happier living separately from him.
Show your kids that even if a marriage doesn't work out, you can still treat each other kindly, get along and be a family together, just in a different way.