Thank you.
That is a really good idea. I think i will try watching youtube about meditation. Maybe meditation will help me clear my head

I truly appreciate the advice I have been getting.

I am so glad that you posted on this womens site. Reading your post is like listening to my own husband. We have been married 19 years and I am the one wanting to separate/divorce. Ours is a similar story, except that I am the one putting in the extra hours at work.

I am racked with guilt over wanting to put an end to things. I am sure that both of you have made every effort to work things out, but she obviously doesn't feel the same way. I am so sorry for this. Its sort of how I feel in my own relationship. He keeps trying, but its never enough. There are many reasons. The one thing I can say is that you still have hope. She has asked for separation - she has not filed for divorce.

So, since I do not know you and have no idea what the history in your relationship is, I cannot tell you what to do. However, I can share what I wish for in my "failed marriage" and hopefully one or two things resonate with you.

1. I wish he took better care of himself:
When my husband has been involved in a sport or physical activity or any form of regular exercise he has been more attractive. I'm not sure what it is, but maybe its a primal thing. By taking care of himself physically I am less anxious about him getting age-related illnesses. Also, his mood is always better when he's exercising regularly. If it's walking, sometimes I can join. If its a sport, then I can join socially. I enjoy being his "cheerleader" on the sidelines. But, whatever it is, it affords me a sense of pride in him. I can tell my friends and family about how he is getting fitter or healthier. Right now, he isn't doing anything for himself. He has many excuses: financial, safety, time, etc. At the end of the day, why should I invest my time, energy and emotion into a man who doesn't feel the need need to invest in himself?

2. At this stage of the game, actions, not words, make a difference:
My husband also started to complement me on how I looked and told me how he wanted to be more supportive. He started doing nice things, like bringing me a cup of coffee in the morning, or even making breakfast. He would take over chores so that I have more time to myself. But, then I would just be alone with nothing to do. I would rather he just helped me with the dishes, or helped me make breakfast, or even asked me to go for a walk with him. I wanted him to engage with me more. Actually take an interest. That means doing things with me. However, what actually happens is that he gets overwhelmed when we start talking, actually talking. We have grown apart over the years. I feel like he doesn't want to get involved in some parts of my life - he is aloof with my family and friends. I think this is one of the biggest reasons I want to break up. After 20 years he still thinks of my family as my family, not his. He still thinks of my friends as my friends, not his. He doesn't seem to have any interest in doing things with my family and friends. He does. But only because I say I want him to be there. Sorry, that's not enough. I have realized that he loves me, but, outside of our children, he is not involved in my life. So, as much as he tells me he loves me and wants to be a part of my life, I am not seeing how he is doing that.

3. I want to feel secure and safe:
I want to know that, no matter what, he is never going to put us in a situation that will threaten our safety or security. I don't mind being poor. But be open and honest about not having money. He is struggling financially and has leaned on me. I have been working extra hours to help with the promise that things are getting better on his side. But they have not. He kept things from me until it was serious and I needed to make a plan quick to make sure the bond is paid, our electricity and water stays connected, etc. I get its a pride thing. But at the end of the day we are supposed to be a team. Now we are drowning in debt. If we had made adjustments and plans together sooner, then maybe it would have been different. Maybe we would be in the same boat. But we would have walked that path together, making decisions together, rather than the panic and disappointment and broken trust that exists now.

4. Celebrate the small things:
I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a date with my husband. He is always stressed. He is always feeling like he needs to make some big or grand gesture. I wish he would just take joy in the simple things. Memories are powerful. Growing up with someone - there is a lot that you go through. So many small things to be commemorated and remembered. If he just celebrated those things - like returning to have coffee near the place where we had our first kiss, or going to walk down the street where we had our first house, etc... recalling how we felt then and the feelings we have now about those things. It is easier to make new memories, and be purposeful about it, if the old memories are important and recalled often. We have never been very good at making a fuss about an event or occasion. I was always big into wanting to take photos, but it was always such a fuss to him. Now we don't have much. I guess its true that the future is built on the strength of your past. I feel like if we had celebrated more "small things" that our current relationship would be stronger.

I hope things have improved for you over the last month. I really do. The other people have given good advice: seek counsel, listen to music/meditation to help with sleeping, don't go to a strip club!

I can honestly say that if my husband were to spend less time fussing over me and his "failures" and more time building himself into a healthy, balanced individual, who makes time for his kids, family and friends, he would be a far more attractive man. Go spend your energy on creating a life that YOU are happy in and, hopefully, she will find the man she first fell in love with, again. If she still doesn't want you back, then she will surely respect you for showing her, and your kids, that she may have made you want to be a better man, but that, after all this time, you can be a better man all on your own.