Counseling is a good idea. It did help me. My guess is that your are not missing him, but the hope and the dream of what could have been. That dream is gone and you know what you had wanted so badly will never be. I had no problem letting go of Jerk, but if was more difficult to let go of what I thought a marriage should be and what I wanted it to be. Let us know how things are going for you. Sending prayers for you.
I called 2 lawyers today and have appointments this week. Also found a therapist. He caught me looking for paper work. he begged for 'one more chance'. Whatever. so insincere. He admitted to cocaine and pot again on top of alcohol. he actually found me looking through stuff because he wanted his laundry...he threw up on himself. wow. what a keeper.I told him no way no more chances, it's done. I felt torn. I didn't feel like I wanted to hug him but I almost felt like I should. Well, I held my ground. I am hoping to file for divorce either this week or next. I have to see what lawyer says, if it's best now or to wait. I really hope I like one of them!!! I don't want to proceed with someone I don't feel comfortable with, but I also don't want to waste a lot of time looking either, so please keep your fingers crossed for me!
I remember having those emotions you cannot control. I remember wanting to kill him. I remember feeling out of control of my own actions. Like you I am not a violent person, but I really did want to hurt him. With him gone I have control over when I see him. (We have kids-I do have to see him.) I know in advance when I will see him so I am not caught off-guard. That really helps. My emotions aren't on that roller coaster because I have more control. Let us know how you come out with the attorneys. I think living apart from him will really help you. Hugs.
Thanks Becky! I know I will be better when he is gone, definitely his being there unexpectedly is a trigger. I can do laundry if he's down there and I know he's there. i take some deep breaths, focus on just going to the laundry room and not look at him or speak. Sometimes I hold my breath as I go down the stairs and won't breathe until the laundry room door is closed! that actually makes me giggle! But not knowing he was there? It was awful. I didn't even hear him come in! He sneaks in like a burglar! I am all out of sorts now. I have to pull myself together. I can get away with not going into work because it's MLK day and I have kids, but I NEED to get my work done. I'll try to do it at home and go in this evening. I just don't want to leave my kids home when he's here and in who-knows-what kind of state. God help me. I have a family history of heart disease and I am scared this stress will literally kill me before I have the chance to live a happy life!