Yes Becky of course you are right. But notice that I said "until he met this woman" he was a good and decent man. I truly believe that. What has happened in the 7 months since is a completely different story. Especially since up until this point he has completely refused to work on our marriage. Even when our children asked him to at least attempt to salvage it he has refused to even try. No, he is no longer a good and decent man.

I stand corrected. My stbx also was not abusive-not in the sense that you would think. But looking back he has always been controlling in a passive agressive manner. He has not abused drugs, etc., except in the past few years he is drunk as often as sober. He never cheated on me (that I am aware of), although I know his heart has not been with me in the last loooooong while. But I understand what you are saying about seeing your stbx has someone that was decent and a good man. It's hard to see that that has changed. What could possibly make a man (thinking of yours) do this? As my grandfather would have said, it appears as though the elevator no longer goes to the top floor. I am praying you find peace soon.

LOL! I love your grandfather's comment! That's a new one for me!! I am still hoping that my husband is having a mid-life crisis and will come to his senses. But each time he takes a trip to visit her he drives a larger wedge between us. I honesly am no longer sure I want him back. At least not without him proving that he really wants it. That would take real effort on hs part and a good bit of time too. I hope and pray everything works out well for everyone on here including myself.

Hope is the best thing to have in the world. I do hope that if you and your husband can work it out that it happens for you. Stranger things have happened. But don't let hope come before you. You did go on and say that you don't know if you want him back and that is the point that you have to remember. Once a man or woman decides that they don't want to be in a relationship hope takes a back seat.
I really had to think through the hope. I NEVER wanted a divorce. I thought I could will my ex to want me. After his first affair I gave hope the benefit of the doubt. I hoped, prayed and wished that the words " I slept with someone else" would be just a dream. I forgave him. Forgiving and forgetting are two separate things. Looking back I realize that I never really forgave him. I said I did but the betrayal, hurt and sadness were just to much to forget. When my ex "decided" he wanted to be with someone else over me he took part of me. The forgiving, kind and loving part. I still struggle with being a forgiving person. Seems that since he took that part of me when he cheated I have become a hard uncaring person. To live 9 more years hiding the betrayal from family friends and most important myself was harder on me than actually dealing with the affair. We ( better said ME) tried to glue our marriage back together. The only thing I didn't try was Krazy Glue. He cheated again and again. Until finally I was numb to what he did. I no longer cared. I filed for divorce. A step that was harder to do than I thought.
Now to work on getting the part of me that he stole. Step by step I am becoming the person I was before he destroyed me.
None of this might make sense my point is that IF BOTH of you are willing to work through the affair then it can work. But if he is still seeing her then there is no hope.